Important: I only smoke/drink in the evening. Never in the morning. Maybe a few times a year during the midday.
A part of me wants to be sober - another wants to 'alter its consciousness'
I'm 29. I work from home. I have my own business which doesn't require me to work a lot (around 10 hours/week) - which is YAY in the beginning and NAY eventually.
I find myself that having too much free time is overwhelming and it feels like a job trying to fill that empty time with something. I do go to the gym. I go to coffee shops and work from there daily. I have friends. I go to grocery almost daily. I live with my girlfriend.
However I can't help but feel bored/anhedonic a huge chunk of my time. I presume that because I have all this time, I am devaluing activities. By that I mean - When you come home from a 9-5 that TV SHOW, or that book is going to feel different than when you have all the day to do what you want.
For me, if I can do/work on my hobbies at any point, any day, I become a bit disinterested in them after a while.
So...what the hell has this to do with sobriety?
Well, because of having an overwhelming amount of free time, in the evenings I feel the need to get 'FUCKED UP' by that I mean to intoxicate, sedate, alter my consciousness somehow. It doesn't even matter with what. Generally, I do it with alcohol - 3-4 (17oz or 500ml beers 7%) gets the job done nicely.
But it doesn't even have to be alcohol - which I've started to hate anyway. Weed can also do the job nicely. And with weed I have another compulsion, which is either sex or porn masturbation, as weed enhances these.
I just had a week long binge of smoking weed (I only drink and smoke in the evening - around 7-8PM) - and yesterday I ran out of. I am feeling yet again very dysphoric and bad - I feel that I have too much free time, that nothing interests me, nothing is exciting, and frankly I just feel bored and don't know what to do.
(I am also diagnosed with depresion which is mainly what is causing my anhedonia - I don't really enjoy stuff anymore, it's getting better but still meh)
So yeah as I said, a part of me doesn't want to drink/smoke - because it causes me to gain weight and I don't enjoy that. Fucks up my health too I suppose.
But another part of me tells me "Life is just boring -it's okay/good to alter your consciousness"
And indeed, by 'altering my consciousness' after 8, the day usually become smaller (waking up at 8-9 and being "conscious" till 8 vs 12) - and my days are usually better this way
But there's another part that knows better - this is not sustainable long term. I cannot run/hid from life. I maybe need to stay with boredom - with my feelings, but I don't know
What do you guys think? What motivated you to become sober?