Someone tell me if I’m gay and this is normal, or if I am a fraud. Please.

Back story: I was homeschooled by two orthodox Mormon parents who seemed hell bent on spending every waking moment indoctrinating their children into their dogma. I believed that being gay was paramount to murder.

When I was 15 I first became terrified that I might be gay. It was like a game of dissociation, to interact with women and pretend - even to myself - that I didn’t long to know how their mouth felt, or what it would be like to touch them and not as a friend.

I tried to date men, to be a good little Mormon girl, but everything past the stage of being “chosen” by them felt horrifyingly empty. There was an initial thrill of trying to see if they liked me, but actually dating men, or trying to imagine a future with them was soulless and deeply distressing.

I am 26 and finally started dating women this month. Here is where I am confused: I feel butterflies when I think of dating and marrying a woman, more than I ever ever have before in my life. I can imagine raising kids with a woman. I loved kissing a girl for the first time and I was so enthusiastic when I first had sex with her. It felt amazing to give her pleasure, but somehow receiving was less fun. I only came once, and that was when I was riding her clit and focused on her. Somehow her going down on me wasn’t particularly arousing, although I would say me giving her pleasure was the most mentally gratifying sexual experience of my life, it felt like my body wasn’t on the same page with receiving it from her. I was only a little wet, but not a ton. I was having the time of my life, but I was less aroused than I thought I would be. Has anyone experienced something similar? I’m worried that I just “want to be gay” and my body is telling me that I’m not… yet I felt so much more engaged and present when I had sex with her compared to the two men I have had sex with. Any thoughts? I feel like an imposter who just wishes they were lucky enough to get to have a woman as their romantic partner 😣