I (35F) came out as bisexual in November 2018 and enjoyed my bi puberty in 2019 within the polyam community in my city. I put myself on a self-imposed PIV ban for 10 months so I could redefine what sex means for me without PIV as the end goal. It was an extremely liberating journey sexually, and in all the time since I actually only had PIV sex with 2 cis men. I also dated a few women and two of them remain as my closest friends now, we connected so well.

The lockdowns gave me much time and space to reflect and examine attraction, and with the help of this community and my above mentioned besties whom I dated, I came out as a lesbian in March this year.

There has also been a huge grieving process attached to my realization that I am gay and have been all along. I feel I am really getting there on forgiving the men when it comes to us not fully understanding "enthusiastic consent" because we were not taught it in school, and forgiving myself in thinking I needed alcohol to give me courage with them. No, I don't need alcohol on dates with women at all.

I also feel grief that I have missed out on a lot of tenderness and softness in my previous sexual flings with men. I did not enjoy extra touch from them, because it was always so sexually-charged so I just convinced myself I'm not a "touchy feely" or tactile person. This could not be further from the truth. When I feel safe, I love it so much and Physical Touch scores highest in my Love Languages test.

I've never had any romantic relationships with men, as I never saw the point beyond sex. I didn't connect with them emotionally or spiritually to want to give myself to them in that way. I even constructed a whole identity around myself that I would be happily unpartnered all my life. I focused on my career in my twenties and still believe I could be fulfilled on my own, even though I know I'm gay now.

In June, I decided I wanted to pursue a monogamous relationship with a woman and be totally honest with her that I am very inexperienced in this domain. I've been longing for a slow burn romance with all the innocent, exciting, flirty, queer joy that I never experienced as a teenager who thought she was straight.

I'm so pleased to say I am now dating a woman the same age as me, who also came out as bisexual in 2018, and who wants the same thing as me. I felt so nervous and vulnerable to tell her I wanted to go slow, but she was so relieved to hear it!

Well, we just had our 4th date in 5 weeks and we are so sweet with each other. We kissed for ages just holding hands and stroking each other's arms and shoulders and heads/hair, without grabbing our boobs or hips or over-sexualizing ourselves. I'm not drinking any alcohol on our dates and I have a serious crush on her. We're quite similar and connecting so well emotionally and intellectually. I totally want her to be my first sober sexual experience too. I can't wait to see how this unfolds!

TL;DR I'm creating the queer love story I never had with a wonderful woman who wants the same.