warning: mention of substance use, sex & genitalia so im 25. ever since i was young i felt like i was different. seeing girls made me excited as did some men. as i grew older i wanted to pursue women & have had experiences with them. i know that im so attracted to women. i have identified as pan for the past 5-6 years trying to convince myself im attracted to everyone, including men. but lately ive been realizing that i have no emotions or feelings when it comes to dating men. all i can think about: women.

But i feel so guilty to call myself a lesbian because of my huge dating history involving men up until pretty recently. i told this guy i didnt want a relationship with him because i feel in my heart & soul, that i like women more than men and i just didnt have the same feelings. he didnt take it well and insisted on trying to convince me that “i just dated the wrong men” but it had me feeling so much worse… yea i have been in more relationships with men and have had sx with men (even though i was usually waaay too drunk or too high in order for me to sleep with these men - cause usually when ya totally fcked up i could care less) for a good chunk of my dating life. more than i have had women. so that must mean i like men right??? But i dont feel any sort of romantic attraction to men, and i am not attracted to them physically either. smen grosses me out so bad and i dont like to look at or touch male pnises. the only time ive enjoyed sober penetration is from a female and it was THE best ever. i coulda fell in love. but i feel guilty to say that im gay or a lesbian, and just call myself queer.

i been talking to a friend about this guilt but i dont know. has anyone else sort of experienced what im going thru right now?