Basically,  I am in a bad place right now.

As a 31 years old female that was at least 89 to 90 % at ease with her sexuality, I  am now ashamed of my feelings, my sexual thoughts and of the life that I thought I wanted to build with a female partner.

This could be a bit long for more context ( it is practically a novel with chapters 😄) but bare with me, I really need your help and answers please!

I will try to be as concise as possible.

Yes, I am homoromantic and bisexual somehow.

Context:

CHAPTER 1 [ beginning years]

At 7 years old. This is my oldest memory of me falling for a girl.  I saw her across the street from my dentist's office at the time and liked her beauty. I know that this was probably some aesthetic reaction but this is when I realized that yep, I like girls.

At 7,8,9 and 10 years old.

I don't like dresses and skirts as I feel uncomfortable in them, vulnerable and like I am not supposed to wear them.

I am a tomboy that plays with boys, likes cars and robots toys. If my parents offer me dolls, I manage to "lost" them.

Mind you, I was a kid that took extra care of her toys in general except the dolls. 😄 I found the dolls repulsive, boring and stupid with always a grin on their faces.

I also realize that through the dolls, society is telling me that it wants girls like me to be pretty, dumb and have children by being a mother. YES! I was young but I knew that that's what society deemed acceptable for girls.

I felt more comfortable using masc pronouns when I talked about myself.  My native language is gendered.

I also had alter egos that were male never girls.

Around the same period my mom gets the idea to gift me a doll that is almost my size and height. I find the concept cool. It's like having a lifelike friend.  Not long after, I experience with her ( the doll).  I hide  under my sheets with the doll and start caressing her (tits and stomach ) like she was real. I notice that I don't mind that but deep down I know that society wouldn't approve of me doing that in real life because it's a girl. At the time I was 8.

I don't know if it's because I felt ashamed again but one day, I take the doll, hang her and set fire to her face while beating her with a stick. 

9,10,11,12 years old

In terms of representation, it's really bad. I am not yet exposed to casual homophobia  by family and teachers but some movies I stumbled upon are doing a hell of a good job at making me feel less than a human being.

The mainstream trope is the lesbian 's unrequited love for a beautiful straight girl.  The lesbian is intense, showing signs of obsessiveness with the straight girl. She thinks every random gesture from the straight girl means they are in love. She then gets jealous when she actually meets the boyfriend of "her friend". 

She will try to sabotage the relationship. When the straight girl catches the lesbian( because they always do apparently), she ditched the lesbian  because of the lesbian's odd feelings towards her. The lesbian gets psychotic and tries to murder the straight girl but the boyfriend  comes to the rescue. the lesbian is killed and the straight girl gets to live happily ever after with her now husband even tough all that story slightly spooked her but oh well🙄.

That trope of the lesbian always having one sided love, not being equal to a man, being "intense", obsessive, delusional, and never wins the girl traumatized me. I felt so ashamed of myself and this is when I started having deep internalized homophobia.

There were other tropes, like the promiscuous bisexual that takes a female love interest as a past time. She never ends up with the female love interest, the male love interest is always the main character. Also, they all will have a thresome at some point.

Or the trope that puts women who love women in the category of youth lov/, puppy love in boarding school till they fall in love with THE guy etc etc...

People who were born in the top 90s in this sub like me know what I am talking about. The  lgbt representation in movies was full of stigma back in the days.  I internalized all of that but I kept moving on.

12, 14, 16 years old

I get crushes on girls just like in the movies😅.  Made a friend of the newbie at my school. she realizes I am gay,  she doesn't really care but starts using me as an ego mirror because she becomes aware of my feelings for her. She outs  me in the school as well.

One of the teachers tried to "scare me straight" by saying in the middle of her social studies and human rights class that homosexuality is not  good,  look at what they are doing to lgbt people in Arab countries, they are cutting their head off. ( yep, she thought that was a good thing to say, she was using that visual to prove her point while looking me dead in the eye and awkwardly pausing to see my reaction while all the other kids turned to look at me).

Anyway I continue to grow up...

19, 20 years old.

Meet someone that is 20 years my senior, I have a fling with her. She is my first love, first body to touch also. I am the initiator when it comes to sex. I take on a more dominant role naturally.  I experience with her body waiting for some signs of discomfort or hesitancy from me but that never happens. 

I am a natural and I feel at ease with who I am and what I like. However, I don't ask her to reciprocate as I like to be the initiator and take pleasure from pleasuring.

I also discover that I am fully versed into homoromantic relationships  so I watch movies, Mangas about gay and lesbian love alike without any problem. They both turn me on and I can relate to both in the sense that I feel "gay" for both?

I discover that I am into gender non conforming dynamic as a kink which is pegging for me. I accept that as a fetish and I move on.

I experience with a male friend  in regards to pegging because I am touch starved and my level of internalized homophobia at the time was high. I don't use a strap, just fingers and I realized that I find the male body boring 😑 and don't like the fact that the main focus on a male body is the penis.

I tell myself that at least, the female body has boobs, soft vaginas, curves and the overall feminity that is enough for my arousal. Yep, this is when I know that the female body and female energy  is for me. This is who I will choose to be with in my life,  a female partner.

26 to 30 yo.

I get overwhelmed by loneliness, I feel like a failure.  I don't like my job, I am not out to anybody in my family, I leave in fear of being singled out at work because I never talk about any boyfriend nor do I show any interest in the male colleagues at work. I live in a conservative country not accepting of lgbt,   I  don't have a girlfriend and I don't know the lgbt community where I live.

I am so touch and relationship starved that I even contemplate "beard mariages" (a marriage between a lesbian and a gay man just for social reasons.

I think I was trying to prove to society that I am not a sub-human, that I am a woman like any other and that I can play the part too but the truth is, I don't want to die alone and wanted to experience aspects of life that I wanted even tough  it is not with who I  really want it with.

CHAPTER 2. [ CHANGES]

30 to 31 years old.

I get tired of feeling like shit so I get online to find queer friends even tough they are not in the same country as me. I don't find them but I find a girlfriend instead.  I am her first girlfriend, she is my second experience. She is poly so she has other partners. On the other hand, I am monogamous.  I know this relationship won't be easy.

The way my girlfriend goes about love and keeps on picking new partners and telling me about her other partners ordeals as well, creates in me a sense of insecurity. At the time, I think she does overshare, that she is a bit impulsive and got a lot of puppy love.

I talk to my sibling about my relationship and apprehensions because she is queer like me, been through relationship with a girl before  so she could probably help me figure some things out. She tells me that she doesn't really understand why my gf overshares and it looks like I am trying to adapt to someone I am not compatible with.

Issues arise in the relationship and I start having flings with male interest ( pegging, no penetrative sex as always. I don't like men like that. I feel no need for PIV sex).

I enjoy submission in male partners and feminine energy in them. That is why, I particularly like femboys, trans and other male that are slim with little to no body hair. I use males as a sexual kink relief.  This is agreed upon them and me. I never get interested in dating them whatsoever, it is purely for sex companionship not romantic ones.

CHAPTER 3 . [ the trauma begins]

My sibling is a medium, she usually have visions. When I first tell her about my girlfriend, I purposely leave a lot of key details out about her family  etc. My sibling tells me those info without missing a beat, I accept that she is legit.

A couple of days after, she tells me that she dreamed of me being with another woman and that I was happy living abroad with her. That was my future. I was happy when she said that and continued living my life waiting for the day I could meet that girl.

Fast forward a couple of months , I have a male pegging partner visiting me in my home country. I like the idea of walking with him in the streets as I get to "play straight" when he is around. I like feeling like I am part of the society because I appear straight.

When I present him to my mother, I get an ego boost because I feel like this image of the stuck up girl, die alone girl, not interested in sex girl that I think they have of me is gone.  I finally feel like a grown up/ "normal woman" by showing that  male friend.

On the other hand,  I like having him around because he becomes a pseudo therapist for me. I talk to him about everything regarding my family, life and girlfriend.  He goes back to his country we keep contact. As we plan to meet again, he suddenly ghost me out of nowhere.  I feel lost 😕.  What did I do, I thought we were cool.

At the same time I am preparing to break up with my girlfriend. Since both of the relationships that are important  for me are falling apart, I feel like I am the problem, all my insecurities come up again. My sister sees that and tries to reassure me. I start crying and confess that I am mostly crying for the male pegging partner as it is the most recent and also the most sudden stop. And also,  I thought I had a friend and it turns out that he was seccretly judging me this whole time ( I learned that trought her visions).

My sibling think that I am crying for the guy because I was slowing falling in love or  that through his sexual performances that I have realized that I may not be as gay as I tought I was. I was like:" girl! I just thought I had a friend and he betrayed me that 's all".

I know I am somewhat bisexual because of the pegging kink but other than that, I am HOMOROMANTIC.

She says that me liking girls is in my head and that there is a blockage when it comes to men, that's what she sees in her visions etc...

CHAPTER 4. Full on emotional trauma ( last chapter)

I think about what she says even tough I feel like she is projecting on me a bit. She was like are you sure you can handle women as they can be a lot to handle, etc...

I make an online profile  to see . I put bisexual and pursue men and women alike. I realized pretty quickly that's not how I work. I don't like pursuing men in that way, I am not that interested in them.

I try gender non conforming dynamic too to see if I could live with that but I noticed that irl, I don't like that 24/7 and no matter what I do, it is still a man and I like feminine energy in woman when it comes to long term partnerships.

Feminine energy in men is for the kink, just a way to get me through my encounters with them.

She comes again with her visions, saying that me liking girls is delusional.  No girl has ever checked me out that's because I don't give the actual lesbian or bisexual energy. If I was really like them, that should have happened already.

She doesn't see the queer life for me. I cannot handle it. I am just trying to be like them. That's a waste of time. I am shy and introverted,  gay people are bold and grandiose etc etc. I tried to justify it by me being in the closet,  My arguments get dismissed  and she tells me that I don't know what I am talking about.

I said to her but you were the one that told me that you saw me with a woman in the future, that I was happy she says it doesn't mean that it will be forever happiness, that it doesn't mean it's true love, that I am very childish in my thinking, that I should experience with man. I did experience with them and I am not into it that much. She dismisses me again thinking that me saying I am not attracted to man is just an aesthetic problem on my part etc etc...

She says that I know damn well that I wouldn't be able to handle it, those people ( she means queer girls ) are way more intense and jealous, do I  really think I will be able to handle their demands? ( dismissive tone) .

I kept on saying that a male can be as morbidly jealous as a woman, she says that it's not true, queer girls are the ones that commit the most passionate crimes etc...... .

Mind you, she did most of that in front of my mother who every time I come out to her she dismisses it. She was also agreeing with my sister arguments most of the time.

Long story short,  I felt denied,  rejected, invalidated,  made fun off, talked down to, I felt stupid pursuing after something they say that is not real.

And all the hurtful words and phrases keep on playing in my head over and over:

"It's a folie, delusional, you are not like that, you are stuck up, that is not your world, you have a blockage with men, you like them that's why you are running from them, you are just afraid. You should see a sex therapist, liking them ( girls) is a waste of time, this is not your future, you know damn well you can't  handle them, you don't know what you are talking about" and so many more.

As a result now, I became extremely afraid of girls and I take every sense on non attraction to one as a confirmation that I am not into girls after all. I refrain any sexual thoughts about them. I now distrust them. I get  afraid that some will check me out now. I am afraid of inappropriate behavior with them. I feel like a perv lurking after them now. I feel mad when they are around me and I get anger surge when I envision myself with them.

As for men, I get incredibly sad at the thought of spending lifr with one and I can't find any point of attraction with them, because I always knew that masculine energy didn't turn me on that much. I don't understand heterosexual relationships and feel repulse by it. I really do feel at odd when I envision myself in a hetetonormative relationship the same goes for a gender non conforming one too.

I tried to take care of my body to see if I would be more into a male or female, turns out I can only reached climax when thinking about women. I lose focus when it's a man and I can never come. But all throughout the process, the hurtful words and phrases are ringing in my hears.

After orgasms, I feel ashame that I came on the visual of a woman as I keep hearing my sister' s words about me having blockage with men, that I don't have a future with a woman etc etc.....

I am at a point where I am getting more and more disconnected from my body and mind.  I can't trust myself for anything and I am extremely unhappy now.

This is eating me out alive and I have no one to talk to.

I can't help but feel like this is an extreme case of compulsory heterosexuality.

Please,  talk to me. Thank you