TW/CW: talk of sex and brief mention of abuse.

This may be a little TMI, fair warning haha

I've been thinking for a few years that, during sex, I just don't feel things correctly. I chalked it up to damage done during childhood abuse. I vividly remember this moment where my ex was doing something and it just... didn't really feel like much. Definitely wasn't doing anything for me but he was so into it and had this look on his face like he was doing something that should've been driving me crazy. He looked at me like he was confused and said, "does that really not feel good or are you pretending it doesn't?" It kinda solidified in me that something in me must be broken, I'm not feeling what I should. I'm hypersexual so that just confused me more.

He'd focus attention on my chest and, instead of being turned on, I could only think, "it doesn't really feel like he's doing anything. If anything, I'm a bit grossed out at the thought of his mouth there. I'm gonna need to wash that." Or he'd slide his fingers inside me and all I'd think was if he washed his hands first 🤦‍♀️ And a point of contention was me asking him to brush his teeth beforehand because his breath always smelled really bad, something he was well aware of. Looking back, it kinda seems like I was grossed out by the whole thing 😅 I'd always want to shower immediately afterwards. I'm not sex repulsed or a clean freak or asexual. I'm actually hypersexual. So I just thought I was broken or my nerves were shot. I mean, I know people feel things differently, like some are really sensitive in some spots where others aren't. But I should be feeling something, right?

I've noticed several times on this subreddit where women have said they didn't really feel much with their ex-husband/boyfriend/guys in general, but with women, it's a whole different story. That's got me wondering if it's got nothing to do with me and everything to do with who I'm with.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone tell me how different it is with a woman and why? I've thought about my first time with a woman a lot and there's always that little nagging in the back of my head about if any woman will want me if it is actually that the abuse damaged how I feel things. But after being around here for a while, I'm really starting to think it's just because I didn't want to do it with a guy.

When I was younger, I didn't understand how people can have sex with someone they love. It just did not compute. I thought the emotion it would cause would just be too much. Literally like my heart would explode. I never felt that with my ex and he said it was just because "everything is so natural for us, like we've always been together." So I kinda put it aside as childish thinking and tried to accept that it must just feel normal. But honestly... thinking about my first time with a woman makes that childish, "what if my heart explodes" feeling come back haha