⚠️ TW: homophobia, abse, religion, mention of date rpe ⚠️

Yesterday, I was listening to a band I used to love, just to revisit and see if I still like them. I knew they were a Christian band but didn't remember them being very biblical or preachy with their songs. This particular song is about being brave enough to let our leaders know how things are going downhill and the struggles the youth are facing. A lyric caught me off guard. "Same-sex marriage in a state where they don't care, murder is wrong but the jail time's not fair, not to mention date rpe, felony, and car theft." Um. What? Did...did being gay really just get compared to murder, date rpe, felonies, and theft? Really?

Yeah. It did. It made me realize how often it was drilled into my head to hate myself growing up. To be honest, I kinda broke down. Like the weight of it hit me all at once. I was raised in a strict christian household, we were pillars of the church, involved in everything there and it's not an exaggeration to say we were there whenever the doors were open. It all came flooding back. Constantly being told the gays were going to hell. Don't watch Ellen. They're a funny comedian, too bad they're gay. Well what did they expect, if they didn't want aids, they shouldn't have chosen to be gay. If you see Sarah and Cindy at school holding hands, pray for them. No more McDonald's, they put a rainbow on the fry holders. No more Walmart, they have two women on a display. Don't hangout with those people. A youth pastor cornering me alone in his home and asking me if I like women, telling me "oh those clever gays make it look so good, so fun." Ah, yeah it's super fun to be harassed, constantly feeling like the big family disappointment, denied equal rights, afraid to show affection or any sign of pride colors out of fear that I'll be attacked. Super fun. I had to tell him I only liked dick so he'd let me leave.

People have commented on how much more confident I've been lately and how it's so great to see because I'm finally seeing myself how they see me. So what changed? I love myself so, so, so much now and a big part of that is finally accepting that I'm gay. That I'm allowed to be gay, I'm allowed to exist, that I don't have to hide so much anymore. But it is deflating to know that my acceptance of myself is the same reason why I've lost friends and I've lost family and I'll lose more of them in the future. I'm already pretty isolated and don't have many friends.

Perhaps the most painful of all is being told that my trauma is why I'm gay and that once I'm healed, I'll be straight "again." That hurts. I went through 16 years of torture as my father's sexual plaything and the worst part of it is that I'm gay? Erase the fact that I came out of that as a loving, thoughtful, funny, compassionate person because I chose to not let it take my heart. Erase the fact that my body is in absolute shambles and in constant pain from a trauma based illness that has over 200 possible symptoms and I have at least half on a weekly, if not daily, basis and because a kid's body can't hold the weight of an adult. I can't even do the dishes without my body involuntarily bending into a question mark, like my body is asking me wtf we're doing. All of that is nothing compared to the big bad fact that I'm gay. That's such bullshit.

It blows my mind that someone can go through something as traumatic as I did and because the romantic love I'm still miraculously able to feel isn't aimed at men, it's deemed worthless. It blows my mind even more that people can be so hateful towards gay people who are just living their lives and being loving, and the loving person is seen as the one in the wrong. I am an amazing person. And I am gay. And I love myself so goddamn much. It took me so long to get to this point. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck sometimes to not feel accepted and loved for who I am.

My mother said, "I accept you because I know that once Jesus heals you of your trauma, you'll be straight again." Then went on a rant about what a good christian I used to be and how she doesn't believe that I don't believe in god anymore and I'll come back to him one day. To me, that doesn't sound like acceptance. It sounds like tolerating me until I go back to being what she wants. But the girl she wants me to go back to was broken. She hated herself and begged for God to take away the gay feelings she had. Now I'm healing. I've come so far, I love the person I'm becoming, and fuck, I'm so gay haha I love being gay. It feels so authentic and free. How could I ever want to go back?

Before I ever knew what a religion was, I knew I had a crush on my best friend, Jessie. Oh, the butterflies I'd feel when she smiled. One of my oldest memories is eating the pavement when I fell chasing a girl I thought was cute and the sting of the peroxide when my parents had to clean my horribly torn up knees. Both crushes were before I was even in kindergarten. Those are adorable memories to me and I hid them for so long. I'm not ashamed of them anymore. There is no "straight again" for me and I hate to think that anyone's love for me is banking on that.

Why am I posting this? I don't know. Does it matter? I don't know. Will anyone actually read my ramblings? I don't know. I've seen other people on this reddit who grew up in strict religious families. I guess I'm hoping me telling this will help someone feel validated or less alone. We're allowed to exist. We're lovely. To a free and beautiful gay future 🥂