And I’m so, so happy about it, after an extended period of flip-flopping and questioning and depression and stagnation and...yeah.

I first came out as a lesbian at the very end of 2019, and I was thrilled and excited and ready to announce it to the world, which I did, through every avenue available to me. And then, a few short months later, I walked it back and quietly started identifying as queer, because I developed “feelings” for a man again. The entirety of 2020 was more of the same, certainty that I was gay, followed by certainty that I was in love with a man, followed by certainty that I was gay. I wanted so badly to be a lesbian, to exist among those I perceived to be living the life I longed for, to be free from the expectation of being attractive to men and to no longer feel bound by their desire for me. But I kept feeling drawn to them nonetheless, and so what other conclusion could I come to but that I wasn’t a lesbian after all?

I knew about compulsory heterosexuality, had read the “am I a lesbian” doc, had spent countless hours on lesbian subreddits and Facebook groups, all of it. And still, somehow, I didn’t realize that what was actually happening was that I got validation from men being attracted to me, but had no desire to seal the deal. I didn’t want to sleep with men, didn’t want to kiss them or cuddle them or be anywhere near them, really. This was why I kept ending up in long distance relationships, because it gave me a reason to abstain. Not saying this is every lesbian, to be clear, just that it’s how I felt. But it was like a challenge, a game, to get them to want me, and once I had won the game, I didn’t know where to go from there. I changed my Tinder settings from everyone to women only and back to everyone so many times. A man told me he had a crush on me and I flat out panicked. It took me days to respond and tell him I only saw him as a friend. I told myself I couldn’t focus on dating women until I knew for sure that they were the only ones I wanted to date, like queerness or bisexuality or whatever were just some sort of purgatory where I couldn’t go one way or the other.

I can’t say for sure what changed for me this year. I wish I could, because then I could give a magic wand to all those struggling to figure themselves out and they could wave it and know. All I can say is that the questions crept back, and I found myself unable to keep pushing them aside, and I watched the Contrapoints video about shame and various Alayna Joy videos and did more reading and connecting the dots, and one day I knew. I am gay. I don’t have to keep doing this to myself. Men don’t have to matter to me. I can prioritize loving women and that can be enough, more than enough. It can be everything.

Once I realized this for good, such a weight was lifted from me. Things began to improve in my life in so many areas, not just sexuality and relationships. My mental health soared, I was able to be creative again, my entire relationship to my body and appearance shifted. Nothing is ever perfect and I’m fully aware that there will always come bad days and down periods, particularly since I’m mentally ill, but my god if I could just find the words to explain the relief and the euphoria. I’m becoming my best self and moving toward my ideal life.

I wanted to post this, not just to tell my story, but to encourage those who might still be stuck in that questioning, flip-flopping state that it’s okay to just choose something. Maybe it will turn out that it’s not the right something, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be wrong, even about yourself, even about something as fundamental as your own sexuality. You’re not hurting anyone, but you are hurting yourself by staying where you are. Maybe you’re a lesbian and maybe you’re not, but one way to find out is just to try it and see. Obviously it’s not always that easy—I was in a privileged position in that I was single and childless—but it’s at least something to consider. I hope it helps.