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I've read the master doc and a lot of threads on here, but haven't quite found what I'm looking for. This is long!
Anyone have experience or knowledge with being a late bloomer but after years of hypersexuality with men? There were definitely women in there too. Whenever I could get drunk and find a way to hook up with a girl, I'd jump at the chance... Like it was dessert after only ever having regular meals. But mostly it was men. A LOT of men.
But yes, I craved the attention and the power mostly. I loved the feeling of knowing I, the less attractive friend, the "fat one" (looking back, not even really true but I digress), could get these men into bed so easily. But also I LOVED it. The sex, the bjs, all of it. And the first actual date I went on with a woman in my early 20s (we were both questioning and trying to decide our sexuality), I told her oh I love having sex with women but I prefer penises and know I want to marry a man. And at the time it was true. At least so far as I knew myself.
Now, I'm married with 2 kids and we've been together 10 years. Even before marriage there were issues with intimacy. They basically began as soon as we moved in together. Aka, all the chase and power dynamic was gone. And it got worse from there to the point where I felt like I was reacting to sexual trauma almost, every time he tried to initiate. It made both of us feel like crap. One time I got drunk and hooked up with a female friend and NONE of those sexual issues were there. But anyway. We worked through it, got married. I was super motivated to get pregnant so sex during those times was easy. But then it would immediately go away again as soon as I conceived. My libido pretty much died since then. 5 years ago. I tried to push through at times, thinking it was hormonal or physical. Then I was motivated again for baby #2. During that pregnancy I was having vivid intense lesbian dreams. I felt like I was trapped in hetero purgatory forever. We talked and opened up to being poly; he's always known I'm bisexual. Dated separately and together and it was like I completely blossomed. It made me so happy and also made our sex life with each other better, but maybe that was just residual.
Ever since baby was born, our definite last child, my body has shut itself up. I thought again it was hormonal, due to breastfeeding, weight, age, lack of sleep... Whatever else. But those things are letting up and I feel the same. I don't want to look at him naked or him to see me naked. I don't want to kiss, touch, anything that might give him the idea I'm open to more. It's really sad for us both.
So now I'm thinking I'm not bisexual but just gay. But then what's up with my past? Was I that deep in comphet? Was I bi and my sexuality has evolved? Did becoming a mother change me so much that I have a new sexuality now? And in the same vein, did completing my goal of marrying a man and having biological children push me into the life I always should have led but was too afraid to give up the easy way to a family?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
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