Had my first date. Sort of. i think. This was after the weight thing came up and I finally made it to a date. I’m really confused about my feelings and perceptions of things right now. 1 - i think she’s a trans person, which, is not a big deal, its a very little deal, but i can’t get past it. I want a femme or similar but the ones I’m attracted to never get back to me on these bloody apps. The only people attracted to me are trans and older females, a lot of older. I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic, shallow, or what.

I’m not attracted to any one of the people that have sent me messages. In a romantic way. As friends, I’m totally cool with any sexual orientation in the friend zone. I feel like because i like to think of myself as a member of the lgbtq community and someone who has struggled with a very large lack of acceptance by her peers, i would hope to be different. More open to the possibility. But I haven’t’ even been with a women. Not even on a date. I don’t know if it’s the idea of a man, which i don’t want, i don’t care if some changes to their inner feelings. They should be able to pursue their own inner truths to be happy. Everyone deserves to be loved and accepted for who they are. Why can i find anyone to love me? Am i that hideous? Repulsive ? I”m really feeling unwanted, unloved and just not good enough for anyone any where, anymore.

I feel like a total loser. Not one female female likes me. This is why every couple years , I take myself off the market and disappear for a while. I can’t handle rejection, broken heart, stood up. All of it. It’s also why i try to keep an open mind about others. I don’t get grossed out or anything like that, i just don’t want man like. It ‘s personal taste. I’m not really attracted to stone butches or hard core butch or whatever people call themselves.. i prefer more femme/tomboy/sporty women.

Have i lost my mind? And yes i am looking for a therapist. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It has me all sad and despondent again. I wanna go to bed and cry. I’m not mad or angry except at myself. This is so frustating and depressing. I’m glad she’s a really nice person and we’re going to stay friends. It’s nice having someone to check out other girls with.

Thanks y’all. Thanks for listening to me bitch again.