I’m having a really hard day and there is no one I can talk to who understands so I thought maybe you guys would.

3 months ago after a 24 year marriage, the suicide of my 18 year old niece and the death of a very dear friend from a brain aneurysm, my life was rocked when I came to terms with the fact that I am not in fact bi? I am gay. I ended my marriage and moved in with my mom.

Here is the thing though. On one hand my husband did nothing wrong. He is an amazing father to our grown kids and was a pretty good partner over the years. We are having g a fairly amicable divorce. Of course there are hiccups here and there but for the most part we are dealing with it.

The thing is I’m having a lot of therapy. Because I am people pleaser this is pretty much the first time in my life I have ever put myself first. And now when I look at my stbx I realize what a disservice I have done for myself for so many years. All of the times I turned off my emotions so he could get his needs met, and the last 5 years where I literally just let him have sex with my body and told him he should fond someone else because I would never be able to give him what he needed. When I look at him I honestly feel disgust and it isn’t his fault, because I think I’m feeling disgust about myself.

What about what I needed in my life ? I spent the last 25 years dedicating myself to other people. And now I am 43 years old, a lesbian with no friends because my supposed bff dropped me the moment she found out I was gay. I’m so sad for what I did to myself in the strive for the perfect marriage and family. I’m just so fucking sad. And no one gets it. They either think I’m crazy and selfish, having a mid life crisis, or should be happy because I’m the one who broke up my family.

I’m just fucking sad.