I think I’ve finally found myself. I’ve always had lesbians as friends and been attracted to lesbians even when I had no clue about their sexuality.

As a kid in the 1970’s, you weren’t even allowed to say the word gay. I rode horses from age 8-18 at a Horseback Riding Center for the disabled (I have mild Cerebral Palsy.) The two women who ran the place were a lesbian couple — I had no clue until years later, and no, it didn’t matter.

For undergrad, I went to Sarah Lawrence, and, partially due to my disability and my lack of macho, was adopted by a group of radical lesbians who did not speak to men.

The word non-binary didn’t exist in popular culture then, but I enjoyed wearing skirts and tights. As a theater person, makeup wasn’t new to me, and I especially loved base (foundation) as it made my skin look flawless. Even with all of this, I was still:

cis/het/mono.

I’d always loved sex, and after leaving college discovered I liked having sex with men. I worked in a lesbian bookstore and was made an honorary woman so that I could be part of a lesbian coven. (This would be the late 80’s -early 90’s.)

I’m still wearing skirts, and, living in NYC I discovered Patricia Fields and Urban Decay nail polish. I started wearing it because it came in colors like Vomit and Plague. Nothing that might indicate femininity.

Cis/bi/mono

By this time I was living in the West Village, about two blocks away from the piers. Between that, and being in the theatre, I knew plenty of gay men, drag queens, and “traps” (not the word we used back then which is now considered a slur) so I was sure none of those fit me. I still found myself attracted to lesbians. In fact, I had a lesbian friend and we would go to bars and play “Is she or isn’t she?”

So- at 29 I was a cis bi man who liked skirts and nail polish, had relationships with women and sex with men, and was equally attracted now to brains, no matter the gender. That’s when I heard about sapiosexuals.

Cis/bi/sapio/mono

Jump forward 8 years. I was watching an interview with Angelina Jolie and she said she was pansexual. That made sense to me in a way bisexual didn’t. Ok. Got it.

Cis/pan/sapio/mono

I was still having relationships with cishet woman, as well as sex, sometimes with people I didn’t know, and it was boring. About 3 years later I heard the word demisexual, which felt right.

Cis/pan/demi/sapio/mono

I met a very nice straight woman (who I’m still with) and we discovered that although we loved each other, we didn’t have much in common in terms of hobbies or sex drive.

So we decided to open up the relationship and try an ENM.

Cis/pan/demi/sapio/poly.

Now, my partner has a very male energy - we often joke that I’m the woman in the relationship. I noticed that I felt less and less male, but not exactly female either. That’s when I learned the word non-binary. OK.

Enby/pan/Demi/sapio/poly.

So I bought some female-identified clothing (more than just broomstick skirts) and started wearing lipstick in addition to the base - and when my now fiancée and I would watch TV and talk about who we would toss the other one out of bed for - I was always attracted to androgynous folks or yes, lesbians.

Now I had always identified as a top or Dom, but I found myself incredibly attracted to folks who presented either as androgyne or butch because they made me feel safe.

Enby/pan/dem/sapio/femme/poly

It was about this time that I started getting clocked as a crossdresser, and while I have absolutely no problem with folx who identify that way, it felt wrong for me. It somehow wasn’t enough.

One morning I woke up and realized I was a transwoman.

OK - Trans/pan/demi/sapio/femme/poly.

I started on HRT (it’s been about 10 weeks now) and about 5 weeks in I realized that I wasn’t attracted to everyone. I was attracted to women.

If transwomen are women, and I’m attracted to women, that makes me a lesbian.

So: Trans/lesbian/Demi/sapio/femme/poly

I feel happier than I’ve ever been, and like I’m finally home. However, because it’s not even 3 months on HRT, I still very much present as male.