I apologize in advance for the length of this mess. My girlfriend (45) and I (42) met two years ago. We were both in long-term marriages (me 23yrs, her 25yrs) that were unfulfilling, codependent, and incredibly miserable. Although we both 100% thought we were straight, we became closer and closer until she actually realized first that she was attracted to me. I realized that I was not only attracted to her but in love as well. We were very open with our husbands about it and they supported us exploring our feelings together. Looking back, it's obvious that her husband only did so because he hoped to eventually "participate" in things sexually...which was never going to happen.

So we began a really screwed up version of polyamory where she and I quickly developed intense romantic feelings for each other while trying to "keep" our husbands and not turn our lives entirely upside down. We both have kids and come from religious anti-LGBTQ families and thought we could actually hide all of this from everyone. We did okay at first, and the four of us actually had a lot of fun together on date nights, etc.

When it became clear that she and I were a lot more than just physically attracted to each other and actually wanted a relationship together (without husbands involved or present), her husband became increasingly threatened, possessive, and controlling. He would say he was "okay" with things and then change his mind later. He'd intentionally sabatoge my dates with her with a sudden bout of neediness and drama. He did the same things even at the beginning when she and I were just friends. She was never allowed to go places without him, etc..

I fully believe now he's a narcissist. I know that gets thrown out a lot these days, but I've studied it from every angle, and nothing else fits. His incapacity for empathy was the biggest red flag. As for my husband, our marriage had been strained by what turned out to be undiagnosed bipolar 1 disorder that caused him to go into rages and other mood swings without warning for the entire time we'd been together. In spite of this, my husband was actually NOT controlling and continued to support my love for her.

This arrangement continued for around six tumultuous months with her and I going on dates and even getting hotels and airbnbs so we could make love, only to have her pack her things at midnight and go home because her husband "couldn't sleep" without her. It killed me every time, but I still continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with her and even proposed. We imagined somehow we would get unofficially "married" someday and the four of us would move in together and somehow make it work even though it was all toxic as hell. I felt like I would deal with anything if it meant being with her, including a lot of her "choosing" him over me because he consistently threw the biggest tantrums.

Things came to a head last Spring largely due to my husband's mental health (he went into psychosis and outed my relationship with her to all of our religious friends and family....a whole other really long story) and stabilizing him became my main priority. During this time, I realized that I no longer wanted to be married to my husband and, ultimately, that I was a SUPER gay, 100% pure-blooded lesbian. Everything in my life back as far as I can remember clicked into place and made perfect sense after that. My husband was hospitalized, diagnosed, and properly medicated, and, after months of therapy, healing, and repairing our relationship, he and I actually have a really great friendship now and co-parent together very organically.

I never imagined that my girlfriend would leave her husband, even though she was unhappy with him, and he didn't love, cherish, and care for her like I did. In fact, as we sort of tried to see if we could continue the joke of a polyamory relationship, minus my husband, her husband picked up right where he had left of with his games and manipulations, saying he was supportive of her and I but not being willing to actually "share" her. I finally couldn't take anymore and got off of the crazy ass poly train altogether last summer. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her exclusively, but she needed to figure out what she wanted in life and let me know when she did. Keep in mind, she considered me "the love of her life" and said I was what she wanted, but she couldn't leave him.

After two months last summer of her getting therapy, healing some of her traumas, and trying to sort things in her marriage, she and her husband decided to separate. Shortly after that, she moved in with me and we began a monogamous relationship together for the first time. It was absolutely blissful and we were both happier than we'd ever been in our lives. She repeatedly said that leaving him made her feel free. I showed her how she deserved to be loved and cared for. I did things for her he never would have done...basic things that were a joy for me to do. We made love frequently and thoroughly. I showered her with romance, thoughtfulness, and attention. I loved her well and I loved her hard. It was the healthiest relationship either of us had ever had.

She would still spend two nights a week at her house, sleeping in a separate bedroom from her husband, so she could spend time with her kids. As a mom myself who's kids still live with me for the most part, I understood and supported that.

This went on for a little over three months until the holiday break. She's a teacher, so she had a good amount of time off, and opted to spend a lot of it at home with her kids since they were on break as well....and of course her husband made sure to constantly be there. I was disappointed but understood because tradition is important and this was probably going to be the last year she got to celebrate with all of her family together.

Everything still seemed wonderful until, out of nowhere on Dec 30th, she called me and told me she was going back to her husband and that she shouldn't have left him. She said that she still wanted to be with me but that she wanted to be with him as well. She wanted to "love us both." Even though I told her last summer that I was NOT polyamorous and that I never wanted to have half (or less) of a partner ever again, she still hoped I would be willing to go back to that toxic nightmare.

I refused. So she said I was the one leaving her, which I called bullshit on. She suggested that she and I have no contact for a while to heal, but I was super pathetic about it and sent her pages of texts trying to get her to see that she was experiencing a "relapse" of her codependence addiction that she had painstakingly untangled herself from last summer. But nothing I said worked. She wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't come to me, wouldn't look me in the face while she burned our happiness to the ground. She kept saying she "had to try" and make her marriage work because, even though her kids are nearly grown and will be moving out, "they're here now."

I booked a hotel room for two nights because I couldn't be around my kids at first. I didn't want them to see me like that. I rang in the new year alone in a hotel, terrified and wailing like a damned animal. I've never felt so much pain in my life and none of it felt normal. I begged her to at least talk to me...come and hug me...anything, but she refused saying it would be too painful for us both. I haven't seen her since then.

I've had my house on the market for a while and was looking to move and wanted to pick out our future home with her. Not anything so far that we couldn't commute to see each other regularly. She was going to get her own apartment to finish the school year and move in with me next fall (tentatively). The day before she left me, I accepted an offer on the house and she said it freaked her out more than she had anticipated. That things were going to change and she struggled with that. We didn't fight at all. In fact, I comforted her as best as I could but she still had a panic attack that night and I helped her through it and cared for her. We even made love later before falling asleep. The next day, she said she needed space, went back to her house and went silent until her phone call the next day dropping the bomb on me.

I suspect her husband was feeding into her abandonment issues, among other things, and she got spooked. Which led her right back to her "safe" drug of choice. Like alcohol, he makes her miserable but she doesn't think she can live without him. I also know he had never stopped manipulating their teenagers into hating me and pushing her to reunite with him. I had tried to tell her that over the months but she refused to think him capable of it.

I'm trying to recover from this but it's painstakingly slow. I was absolutely broken by what she did and how she did it. She didn't think about it, talk to me about it, discuss it with her therapist or any objective third party. She just "made up her mind" in one day and decided that there was no point in "dragging it out." She said she was suffering greatly afterwards, but I can't fathom how since it was her damned choice.

I don't really know what I'm asking on here, but I guess...I'm just wondering how long it's going to be before this stops hurting so bad? My husband was my first and only relationship before this (we met when I was 16) so this is all new. How do I even begin to make new connections and maybe even consider dating again when I don't even know where to start? I've lost most of my former friends and family when I was outed by my husband. I have one or two affirming friends still, but they're so busy all the time. My entire culture for the first half of my life was that of conservative Christianity, and all of that got flipped on its ass the day I fell in love with a woman.

I don't know how to get over her. I deeply believe that she'll realize she's made a horrible mistake at some point but I don't know what I'd even do if she came back to me. I'm so weak for her...I'd probably open my arms right up.

I want to move on, but how? I don't even know how to meet other lesbians except at the local lesbian bar and it's okay but super loud and not really conducive to relationship forming. I live in the Phoenix area so there are lots of gay scenes here but I don't even have a friend to bring along and going to events alone is super intimidating.

Any advice or thoughts you can send my way would be appreciated.