As much time as I (37 M) spend on Reddit, I don’t usually have the courage to post, but here I go, and here’s my story (the full story!)

I knew I was different in middle school. I suppressed it, I hid it, I wanted it to go away. I still remember every vivid detail of my first male “crush”. As I grew older, I eventually convinced myself that I was bisexual (even though I would now argue that I wasn’t). It was a lot of things…presumed familial pressures, societal pressures, and religious pressures. I knew I wanted a family with kids. I knew that I wanted that white picket fence life that everyone dreams of. Nobody talks about it, but it was also an era where these hopes and dreams were only available to “straight” people. I was a young 22 years old when I got into my long term relationship with a woman, which a long time later I would end up marrying and even having 2 beautiful kids with. The marriage was rocky, there were a lot of red flags early on, but I kept pushing forward knowing this was the best path forward.

Times changed, and so did my heart. When I was 36, I finally came to full terms with my sexuality, that I was in fact gay. It was a process which took years, as there was lots at stake…the children, my career, and even the wellbeing of my ex. Around the time I fully came to terms with myself, I unexpectedly met the man of my dreams. Although 15 years younger, I quickly realized he was everything I wanted in life. Despite all my previous relationships, it was the first time I felt butterflies. It was the first time I felt true love as it should be felt. I mustered the strength to come out to my ex, family and friends. Despite the damage it caused, and what a traumatizing experience that was, it felt good to finally be living life as my true self.

I ended up in a relationship with the man of my dreams. I didn’t deserve such a relationship, given my past, but I actually met someone who loved all of me for me, and loved the kids just as much. I felt true love for the first time in my life, and actually felt like I had my life together. After a few months, he succumbed to family and religious pressures and left. It was the first time I had ever been broken up with in my life. He wanted to move away and start a new life. While heartbroken and unable to even get out of bed, I supported him. My love was so strong that I supported seeing him happy, even if it destroyed myself. A month later, he pulled out of his escape plan and wanted me back, exclaiming that it was the biggest mistake of his life. We got back together.

Shortly thereafter, we started living together, and searching for a house together. We found a rental home that was perfect for us, and ultimately went in on it together 3 months ago. We moved in, built this home together, and merged our lives. Everything seemed so natural. We merged our lives, merged kids, merged our families. I reached a point where I was living the ultimate American dream! I finally achieved the “white picket fence” life, living my life happily with someone that I was truly ready to grow old with. I had no fears about life anymore. I can’t begin to express how in love I am!

Two weeks ago, out of absolutely nowhere, the man of my dreams seemed upset, and I asked what was wrong. It was that moment that I was told he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. There were no warning signs. He was 100% all in up until a few hours before this conversation. The day before this conversation, we literally bought and hung curtains in our new home. We had an amazing vacation with my family out of the country just a few weeks ago.

All of his stuff is still here, but he has been staying with family lately.

I’ve never been so conflicted in my life. My mind tells me that given that this has happened twice, it won’t work. Meanwhile, despite the advice of friends, my heart tells me that this is still my person. I have always been told that when you find your person, you’ll know. Despite this tragic event and his behavior, he still feels like my person.

The more I have dug into this issue on my own, there is clearly strong family and religious influence. Despite all that, I still feel like he is my person. We are on great terms presently, and after just a few days, we’re now talking in a manner like we did when we were first talking. There’s so much flirting. He is showing physical signs that he’s still interested, but hasn’t talked about the elephant in the room.

Physically, I fully admit, he’s much younger so doesn’t have as much life experience as me. Mentally, he came out around the same time as me, so we are at the same point. Admittedly, the kids ask about him daily, so that creates a bias. Yes, I admit I miss him. I have not shown this as friends have told me to act “unbothered”, despite my true feelings.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice, I would love to hear it. Additionally, if anyone can relate, please message me. I have no other gay/bi friends than this man, and need to do better at building a circle.