Long post but I need help Reddit, my Kundalini awakened yesterday night of it’s own accord, and it scared me because I had no idea what I was getting into. I’ve read the pinned post by Marc-le-Half-Fool. Thanks brother and as a disclaimer I am not someone who intentionally got into this. I am giving a background since I understand its essential for anyone to know a complete history before giving advice.

As a background I have had childhood emotional trauma as a result of parents fighting and an emotionally abusive father. I have met various counselors and have learnt the basic hatha yoga course several years back. (I still practice it on and off.) An interesting thing that happened about 5 years back was that I was sleeping in the night and I woke up with a sudden charge running up my spine of its own accord. From the base to my head and I was caught by it for about 10 seconds or more I guess. It felt like a pleasurable but strong energy shooting up my spine.

I recently discovered I might have a form of PTSD for which am seeking resolution with a good therapist. I have been off late drawn to knowing more about chakras because one of my therapists said I had a very strong head chakra but a weak root chakra. This was because I have anxiety problems, OCD (songs running constantly in my head which I’ve learnt to ignore), and a fear of new situations which has caused me to remain at home in the past and now currently on a 3 month sabbatical to resolve PTSD. I also had agoraphobia when I was 16 including a few very bad experiences where basically I couldn't even walk in public because I froze up thinking everyone’s eyes were on me. I overcame that and now all am left with at 37 is social anxiety.

Am quite successful right now work wise and in a good space otherwise. I enjoy good friendships and a good family but I am an introvert and do not like social situations or big work presentations which involves interaction with a lot of people. I put up a façade and manage these interactions but it drains me inside (introverted socially anxious profile)

With that as context, one of my learnings from PTSD was that trauma gets trapped down the spine (Peter Levine Waking the Tiger & The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk). I resonated with it because everytime I dealt with trauma of the past including my parents fighting, I would feel shivers run up my spine (like when you do when you get a sudden chill). My therapist also included sound bowl therapy to take me to a hypnosis trance to address my childhood anger with parents. It made me take out my anger with parents and at that time I had these intense shivers run up my spine constantly till I was shivering. This is because I control and repress the emotions of the past constantly and was finally letting them out I felt. I am learning to feel my emotions because most of the times I am emotionless and control emotions instinctively and don’t really feel. My therapist had said to stay away from drugs of any kind and I do not abuse any substance whatsoever. I also don’t have any meds from the therapists.

So coming to my Kundalini incident, last night met my couple of friends for a long drive to an eatery and decided to crash the night at a service apartment. At this point a couple of non serious drugs were involved.

After that I was feeling the light headedness and the anxiety hit me in a good way. And I went and sat on a couch, and soon was enveloped in the all too familiar memories of feelings of things around me. Soon I closed my eyes and I started swaying to the sound of the music being played which was old romantic Bollywood music and rock songs from the 90s.

Then when this got intense I went and sat on my bed and that's when this feeling hit me. It felt like a rocket shuttle launch starting from the base of my spine. I could sense such a huge amount of energy building up that it suddenly hit me that it could only be Kundalini awakening which I had read about. I also panicked then because I had read that it can be triggered by smoking up and I had no guru by my side, just 2 friends, one who was irritating and also under the influence and another one who was just pleasantly buzzed who was stable. The feeling is indescribable, its like a rocket fit with a million pounds of thrust that's building to push you up to mix with everything else. I closed my eyes and sat cross legged instinctively and my eyes folded into the bottom. I was conscious of whats happening to me all the time during this episode (I usually am hyperaware) and I was recording this for myself. I realized as a child I used to see inside the bottom of my eye, and used to see this 3 dimensional world there. Except now there were faint fractal patterns and by the time the energy started to come up my spine and rise up and it was like the feeling you get in your spines when you orgasm, except it was continuous. Every movement I made with my spine released energy and it felt like an orgasm. The cricks in my spine felt good (they still do now as I write and I feel I will go on another episode). I started to feel the music that was being played. My god the guitars were being played thru the spine and the music was perfectly symmetrical as patterns in my eyes, everything was a beautiful. My spine was constantly shivering, my legs, my thighs, my entire lower back and back was shivering / the muscles were moving in rapid synchrony like we do when we orgasm. I constantly had my head pressed into my back and looking up because the energy was rushing thru me. And pressing my head back looking at the ceiling eyes closed made the feeling intense and very pleasurable. I then got to moving my upper shoulders in rapid backward motions because it felt so so pleasurable to do that. All the while the energy was rushing up thru me. I understood who Shakti the goddess of energy was and how we are all connected via the source. I understood it all. I felt the guitar players who played via their souls (While my guitar gently sleeps with Prince was playing) and how he was really expressing every bit of music innately and instinctively from his core. I felt how Michael jacksons dance moves came from his core, every dancer danced from their core including Shiva who danced the tandavas. I felt I understood the wisdom of the universe and how we are all connected and I felt like this giant tree trunk of energy was running thru me and up into the universe and how we all are connected. I also realized later why we shudder via the spine during the orgasm because we are connecting to the source to produce another human.

In between I also turned my attention to the inner eye like I did as a child (I remembered) and I saw down into the source of energy. It was like looking down at the top of a rocket launch with the energy coming from below me. It was a reddish circle and I can still access it now if I look in, except I don't want to since am tired and don’t want to activate it again. It was powerful and I could see the vastness and the entirety of the universe, a feeling that it’s so big I won’t be able to encompass it. It felt like a huge ball I couldn't bite into because it was too big for me (best I can explain it). I used to get this feeling as a child, an overwhelmingly large universe around me that's unfathomably huge for me to grasp and hold onto like a solid entity.

Note that I knew there was a more complete and huge energy rush that I was consciously not trying to access and feel and perhaps not give permission to come up because I was afraid I would take off into myself and never come back. Because I had read somewhere vaguely that kundalini awakening can leave you debilitated for months. (BTW this must’ve went on for 2 hours at least before I fell asleep.) Even while sleeping the jerks and shivers up my spine continued when I kept rubbing the different points of my spine against one another. It felt really good to sleep with my head looking back at the wall in a sleeping positioning, with my chin raised to ceiling. Pleasurable orgasmic shivering. I had a slip disc several years back and there was a pleasurable feeling at the point where the slip disc had happened, making me realize that, that part was tender. (And I was consciously avoiding shooting up my energy thru that nerve there and once when I did it was a pleasurable feeling except I felt that that nerve was hurt and I shouldn't do it.)

So this about completely captures my episode. I slept for about 4 hours (I usually sleep for 9 daily) and I woke up because I had to travel back home

When I was travelling by car in the morning I could still mash up my shoulder spine and feel good. In fact it’s still hitting me with pleasurable shivers but am trying to just type this and ignore it. It’s not really hard to ignore it and I can focus on what I want, perhaps because I am used to controlling my emotions. Right now, when I mash up my shoulders the pleasurable sensation and some deep shivers are still there, and I feel I can access my inner eye by looking down into myself with my eyes, but I don't want to for the fear of triggering this again.

Overall the experience for me was completely pleasurable and positive and I also remembered that as a child my inner mind was always happy and positive and it was always well lit and with the light (best way I could put it). And that's why last night too I was completely with the (positive happy) light and not any dark tremors.

I realize how weird all of this is as I write because I used to pride myself as a logical clear unbiased thinker who didn't believe in all this mumbo jumbo. For the record am born Hindu, non-practicing, and don't believe in religion and don't follow any religious duties (we are a brahmin family). Am in India and trying to find someone in real life who I can talk this to and who might understand this and perhaps guide me on what I should do and shouldn't do.

Meanwhile Reddit, please give your guidance on what I should expect next and what I should be prepared for. And whether theres a small chance that this is actually my pent up energy from past trauma releasing because I got really relaxed because of the drug or if this genuinely was a Kundalini awakening (which I believe is true because I just know it) but I still want your wisdom. If you wish for any further details to help assess this please PM me.