I don't know why I'm talking about this here. Maybe I should've posted it in /r/offmychest but thought it was too specific to put it there. Regardless I'm posting it here.

I don't think I'm going to survive in the military. I'm a gyopo who's been living in Korea for a decent length of time. I'm going to the military pretty soon and I'm almost certain I'm going to die there. I feel like I'm not going to make it through my service let alone 25 years of age.

I tried to kill myself a while ago. It's been my second attempt. I don't think I'm going to last that very long after I enlist. I don't know what to do. I mean fuck I've talked to some people after my second attempt but I don't think it's enough. I mean I know I don't show all the time but I can't remember the last time I haven't thought about suicide for an entire day. I just keep trying to remember what I'm living for but I don't think it's enough.

I don't know what to do. This isn't the first time I've thought of this. I've been struggling with these thoughts for years. I've heard how suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've heard I should just go to /r/suicidewatch. But depression is a bitch and I feel like all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to help. I mean I promised myself I'd get rid of this before I enlisted but I just don't think I'm going to make it.

I ran out of options. I really have no other choice than to enlist in the army. Which is fine but I feel like as soon as someone hands me that K-2 I'm going to load it, point it to the roof of my mouth and squeeze the trigger.

I don't know if this post is a call for help or just something I had to say. I just know that if it does happen I'm just sorry it did and that it's no one's fault except my own. I didn't mean it to end like this. I just want the pain to stop.

Edit:

Thanks for everyone's support. What I'm worried about is that I really don't trust myself with a rifle and I feel like I might crack under pressure one day and just do it. I tried applying to other branches like the KATUSA but didn't get in which is why I chose the army.

If anyone knows someone who could help like a professional please let me know.

It would be a huge help but I don't really know where to go.