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ETA: Thank you all for the support and advice! After he told me what happened, my first instinct was to take him to the ER, but I made an appointment with his PCP, which we have this afternoon. He loves the therapist he sees, so I thought it'd be most beneficial for him to keep his appointment with her over an experience at the ER. He also enjoys seeing his PCP, so I'm glad we could get in there so soon today. He did go to school today, as he really wanted to. I drove him in myself and I will be picking him up before taking him to see his doctor. Last night, I also got a recording of him telling and demonstrating to me me what happened.
As for my meeting, they did ultimately get footage, though they said they cannot see much because of the bus seats. They stated it's clear that he moved away from the three kids and was followed. They said they can see motion and that there is a scuffle of sorts that ends in my child pushing the child off of him and gasping. That was hard to hear. As to the specifics, they said they cannot specifically see that he was choked, touched, or hit in the groin.
Since it's clear that he was the victim, they said they do not need to interview him, which I agree with you all who said not to let him be interviewed. The three kids involved will have their parents notified and will have to interviews. Their solution is for these three kids to have assigned seating for the rest of the school year once that all occurs. We are in MN and they said their hands are tied regarding being unable to remove them from the bus for a first offense, though there is potential for that if there are future occurrences (against any child). Based on responses here, I have also requested that a para be assigned to the bus, which is something they agreed to. I requested that he also has the opportunity to be introduced to his business driver. I want him to know who, exactly, the safe adults are. Until this is all set in stone, my son will ride to and from school with the transportation supervisor on days I am unable to do so. They said they cannot discuss specifics on how the interviews go, nor can they share names, ages, specific consequences, or really anything else regarding the other children. I more-or-less expected that.
I asked for a written summary of the video, our meeting, and their plan to keep my son safe and they said they would do so.
As to reporting this even to the authorities. Thank you for the support and advice to do so! I did reach out to my uncle who is a sheriff in a neighboring county to get advice regarding doing just that. I was hesitant to go into this meeting, mentioning anything legal, as I do want the school to work with me too so figured it would be in my favor to not show up guns blazing. I do appreciate how quickly they've responded to me and want to foster any openness from them I can. I did notice they did not acknowledge the specific physical abuse my child experienced, which leads me to believe those of you suggesting that things may be swept under the rug are correct. I appreciate those of you who have clearly said "this is SA." I feel more emboldened to report this now that I KNOW that there IS footage that exists where the kids are identifiable.
When I pick my son up today, I plan to stick around to watch buses loading. My hope is that he's able to show me the children involved. While I understand and even think it's reasonable that the school can't specifically talk to me about those children, I do feel bothered that I wouldn't recognize them.
To recap, my son is so loved and supported! I applaud his bravery in telling me what happened. He had a therapy appointment that same day and has a doctor's appointment today. There was footage to identify the kids and school has their routes to follow. I will be following up with the authorities to make a formal report. I've done my best to stay firm and calm, but I won't let this issue just disappear quietly.
TLDR: My 5 year old was choked, touched in the groin, and punched there. The video from the bus has failed to download and bus driver didn't see it. I have a meeting today with the bus department supervisor and the principal. I'd appreciate some advice for how to proceed.
More context.
My five year old came home walking very slowly and avoided me. He went downstairs and sat down and cried quietly. He wouldn't acknowledge or answer me so I knew something was really wrong. I asked if where I was sitting was okay and I just sat with him while he cried for a bit. Finally, he came and sat in my lap as he cried and told me what happened.
An older boy said he looks like a girl, sounds like a girl, and doesn't have a penis. He said he said, "I'm not a girl, boys can have long hair too," and moved seats. The boy then followed him to that seat.
That same boy then touched his groin, then punched him there and choked him with two hands, twice, according to to my son. Two other kids were there, making fun of him, but they did not hurt him, he said. He doesn't know the names of any of the children, just that they are older and bigger than him.
I've been informed that the video footage from the bus has failed to download. I have a meeting today at 1130. They plan to talk to my son and I said they are not to do that without me and a counselor present, which is part of that today, I believe.
After the incident, we talked about how to find an adult to help him when something like this happens and how to be safe. I told him I was so proud of him for being able to talk to me about this and that he is loved. He also had an existing (play) therapy appointment where this incident was a big focus of.
As there is, apparently, no footage, I'd appreciate some advice for advocating for my son and his safety on the bus. Unfortunately, I am reliant on bus transportation every other week. I've managed to stay calm with my interactions, though I am quite upset and fear that my concerns will be sort of swept to the side without the video of the incident.
I am good friends with his teacher, who he loves. I did let him go to school today, though I spoke to her personally that he was not to talk to anyone in the office without me present. While they're her employer, I do trust my friendship with her that she'd, at least message me if he were taken away. In the meeting, they said it was not necessary to talk to him, as the footage did end up being available and it's clear he was the victim, though they could not expressly see what happened.
I appreciate the reality check that they are incapable of handling this wholly and that it is easiest for them for it to simply go away. I will not allow that to happen. My son does have an appointment today with his PCP and I will follow legal channels now that I know the schools plan and what they do and don't have. I really appreciate the advice and tenacity you show up here with.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry that happened to your daughter, but I'm glad you were able to follow up on the assault.
This all sounds very similar to my experience in this meeting today. The bus seats block the view, they said. Similarly, the perpetrators will remain on the bus with assigned seats. The school also agreed to my request to assign a para to the bus.
As you suggested, I did request a written summary of what they saw, our meeting, and the intended plan to keep my son safe.
I am so sorry that happened to you and your child! This has been a very scary reality to experience and I hate that it's a shared experience for so many other littles and their families.
My understanding is that they do not assign the seating in such a manner, though there are only elementary aged children on his bus. I know from the meeting today that my child was in the front half of the bus and moved seats, even closer to the front after a verbal exchange happened. These children followed him.
He has previously indicated, "the big kids sit in the back, so I don't go back there." I also know that my son, like me, is a creature of habit. In the mornings when I see him off to school, I see that he generally picks the same seat to wave at me from. I can't say that I've noticed which seat he comes home from in the afternoon, but he is usually the first one off at our stop, where 3 other kids get off.
I'm rather disgusted by your comment. Insinuating that my child is cross dressing by having long hair. He's in kindergarten and you are ridiculous. I've always been supportive of his bodily autonomy, where it's reasonable and safe. He is proud of his long hair and I support him in that.
The only defense I'll offer is that we've extensively talked about how people are sometimes mean to others who are different from them. He's been prepared for that and knows he can have a haircut at any time he wishes. He is accustomed to people calling him a girl or saying he looks like one. He is so kind in his response, "no, I'm a boy. Boys can have long hair too." If it's a kid he doesn't know, he typically introduces himself and asks them to play. His dad has long hair and he knows of many men who have long hair.
I know full-well that his hair might make him a target. He is also aware and prefers his hair long. If he wants to make a change to his hair, he has my full support. While we've expected bullying with words, I didn't expect it to become so violent, especially so early on. It is the responsibility of the perpetrators family to guide their child against that sort of behavior, not our responsibility for us to put it on our child's shoulders to change something about himself he is proud of (again, unless that's what he wants). I want to add, that if my child does come to a point where he did enjoy cross dressing, or were to be transgender, he'd still have my love and support and the expectation of safety in public spaces.
You and your family sound so very strong to navigate that situation! You're absolutely right, regarding the "burn the village" mentality. That said, staying calm and following the appropriate channels is the route I want to take. That's honestly part of why I am filing a report with the sheriff's department. A handful of people have made a similar suggestion, that the bully might also need some sort of support.
I don't really seek for him, or them, to be punished. I mainly want my son to be safe and supported, but I also do have a fair amount of worry over where that sort of behavior stems from. I have no plans to "lawyer up," though I plan to consult one and to file a report given the nature of what happened. If it's a recurring theme for this kid, is he safe and are other kids safe around him? Those thoughts are there too in all of this.
The truth is, I don't particularly trust either, but I want to work with everyone to keep my son safe. 🖤
I'm glad your son came through his experience unscathed and so well-supported! Thank you for sharing your experience.
They cannot identify the other children involved to me, which I do understand, even though I find it simultaneously chaffing. I went to the school first because I want them to address their plan and part in keeping my son safe. I do believe I'll follow legal channels as well though, given the nature of what happened.
My first concern is absolutely my son's well-being. He came to me very bravely to tell me what happened. He was able to see his therapist that same day and we have an appointment with his doctor today. He knows that he is so loved and supported! Knowing his temperament and after chatting with his therapist, we agreed that a (potentially traumatic) ER visit wasn't necessary, but I was able to get an appointment for his doctor today! I'd have absolutely taken him in if I felt it necessary or if she had recommended I do so.
I appreciate the support! 🖤
He's an elementary school student. They do split the kids up on buses depending on the campus; elementary, middle, and high school. My biggest concern with the school is about my son's safety. Though I will be following legal channels to report this incident as well, because I do agree that there are appropriate consequences.
Says who? It's an update, more than an edit, and I updated at the beginning so people might understand I no longer need advice and so I could address a couple questions multiple people had rather than doing so over and over again.
I've said, to you, the only one who insists on making this suggestion, that he doesn't want a hair cut and is proud of his hair. If he wants one, he can have one, of course. Since he doesn't want one, doing so would be against his will.
You just don't give up. ha It's oddly amusing you bring up what he's wearing. For the record, he was wearing a black Ghostbusters shirt and red basketball shorts. He was dressed "like the other boys." His shoes were blue and orange, his two favorite colors, and his backpack is blue and green dinosaur camo print. He has friends that are boys, friends that are girls, and generally gets along pretty well with kids and seems to make friends easily. I've had to go to way more children's birthday parties than my introverted self would prefer. I don't get where you're making this big assumption that he is gender bending or generally a big target for bullying.
If you'll take a moment to re-read what I said to you, you'll see that other kids have commented on his long hair and he is content to explain that he's a boy and boys can have long hair too. He usually ends up making friends with these children. When I say I know that his hair might make him a target, I believe we've prepared him well for handling verbal exchanges, but it hasn't been an overly big concern. Certainly, targeted bullying and physical assault haven't been either until now.
I won't punish him by forcing him to get a haircut he doesn't want. That is as absurd as you saying that I'm bullying my child by not doing so.
I definitely would if this were an option. I have to work every other week and rely on the bus when I do.
He is currently in taekwondo (he started just two months ago). None of the local jiu jitsu places start at age 5, except one with a class time that won't work for us, unfortunately. We'll explore martial arts that are more effective as self defense as he gets older!
I'm not trying to be defensive , I apologize if it came off that way. You ask a valid question and it's one I asked in the meeting today; what grades are on and if there's any sort of assignment or anything.
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This was my thought too. Going into this, I wanted to be seen to be amicable and willing to work with them, not someone to be wary of. I have now spoken to a relative who is in a neighboring county's sheriff's department. I will now make a police report and seek legal advice now that I know what the school knows and how they'll handle it.