I hope this is allowed as I did get a couple of requests for an update. My original post, from back in October, was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/kindergarten/comments/171v2js/son_struggling_in_unstable_classroom/. TL/DR: After a reasonably successful TK experience, my son started kindergarten. His teacher (experienced and well-loved by other teachers and families) quit after five weeks, due at least in part to burnout and struggling with an overloaded class and lack of support staff. My son became increasingly anxious and unhappy after a long-term sub took over and had escalating disruptive behaviors, culminating in a two-day suspension for pushing a fellow student and a staff member that led me to seek help and advice here (I later learned he pushed past them as he tried to run out of the assistant principal's office). Sorry this is so long, a lot of stuff happened.

First, thank you for your previous responses and advice. I implemented a lot of what was suggested--reached out to his pediatrician (she had me and his preK teacher fill out several surveys and said she thought he had anxiety but didn't see indications to pursue a referral for ADHD or autism), set up counseling for my son, and requested an RTI meeting and a formal evaluation for him through the school system. I also reached out via the school's app to his sub and to an instructional coach asking if they would have any time to speak with me the following week.

The conversation with the instructional coach ended up being incredibly revealing. While she had not been in the class much before the OG teacher quit (since she had been very experienced and not identified as needing the most support) she had been on recess/other duty with his class sometimes and confirmed he was doing fine at first. She also, without feeling she could share all the details, said some telling things about the long-term sub: "the class is chaotic" and "even the most well-adjusted child in there is not doing fine right now," and "there's a reason (OG teacher) quit" were some choice quotes. She said she had seen my son watch other kids have full on meltdowns and burst into tears himself; she said he basically responded to the chaos in two ways, either by completely checking out from his surroundings or by acting out to try to make kids around him laugh (and often succeeding, she said unfortunately for this situation he is really smart and funny but he doesn't know when to shut it down to avoid getting in trouble.) She also told me the sub was being fired and would not be back on Monday. The instructional coach and another instructional coach, both former K teachers at that school, were going to take over and co-teach in the room until a replacement permanent teacher could be hired.

This started a new month-long phase. Under their instruction my son did better for a while. It was also much easier to follow up at home with any behaviors at school because they were actually sharing any notes about disruptive behaviors. However, after a honeymoon period of a few days, my son started being disruptive again--running around the classroom, bumping into other kids, etc at seemingly random times. He also continued/escalated his school refusal and explicitly told one of the coaches at one point that he was being disruptive so he could leave class. This period of time was kind of nightmarish--I kept hoping things would turn around, but we seemed trapped in a cycle of me forcing him into the school, him trying to find some method of breaking enough rules to leave class but not in ways that would make people angry at him, this of course not really being possible, him hating school and himself, me and his dad spending every evening debriefing about school with him, everyone going to bed miserable, rinse and repeat. We also found out that his friend in class who he had known in preschool had transferred to another school.

We finally had his RTI meeting about 3 weeks in, and I was told that a permanent teacher was on the point of being hired. Staff said they didn't want to start a ton of new interventions for him until a new teacher was in place. The following Monday, we learned that the previous aide in the room had been hired as the new teacher. I was appreciative they had hired someone who already knew the room and kids and reached out to her to let her know I wanted to be available for whatever would help the class and my son be successful.

Unfortunately s*** hit the fan for the whole school that week. The principal was called away and actually had the leave the country for a family emergency/death and was gone for 2 weeks. Some other key staff were either on personal leave or quit. The assistant principal (the one who suspended my son and who I now know none of the teachers or other families liked or trusted) was asked on the second morning by the acting principal to step up and take care of some things, and walked out of the school at 7:40 on Tuesday morning and literally never returned, ghosting the school and district's calls for two weeks and then resigning. My son's room had no replacement aide, and due to the general stress of the school, the two instructional coaches were not able to coach the new teacher in as they had planned. This week, my son spent about 50% of each day in the office (I believe often just sitting on a chair in the main office) as the new teacher would send him out, but there was no one to talk to him and take him back to class.

Throughout this time I had been trying to get additional insight as to what triggered my son's behaviors, in partnership with the instructional coach who talked to me the most. He consistently began to mention one other kid in class, one of only 5 other boys in the class of 24. He said originally this kid had been chasing and hitting him, but stopped doing that when they agreed to be friends--but they could only be friends if he did the things this kid asked him to do (throw stuff, chase other kids, push other kids, etc.) We had several conversations about how friends don't ask friends to do those things and he should say no. Finally we said, if you can't say no you just can't be friends right now. The next morning, the Friday of the new teacher's first week, my son apparently stood up in the middle of carpet time, 8:30 am, pointed at this other kid, and yelled "you're not my friend." He was reprimanded and began crying and running around the room. The teacher sent him to the office; there were no admin available in the office, so the school called and asked me to pick him up and take him home. When I got there, at one point literally I was left alone in the principal's office with my son and some random other kid I've never met.

At this point my husband and I were in despair. I didn't know how to break a cycle of bad behavior that seemed to spring from 1. anxiety and broken trust between my son and the class environment and 2. trying to make my son stop being friends with another kid he felt connected to, in a school that simultaneously we believe really wanted to help him but didn't seem to have the time to do so. Waiting for the principal to return, we homeschooled our son for a week and did a LOT of talking to him about his behavior, his feelings, school, etc. Then for the two days before Thanksgiving break, I actually sat in on the class and observed, something I had wanted to do but hadn't felt comfortable to try to insist.

While I was there, my son's behavior was great (not surprising) but I also saw that almost every boy in the class had behaviors as bad/worse than those reported about my son. I think often he was going along with, copying, or eventually instigating these behaviors to try to fit in with kids he thought would be his friends. I understand why they couldn't tell me this, and it doesn't at all make his disruptive behaviors okay, but it did help me see why it might be difficult for him to unlearn those behaviors. I also saw that although he reported not having friends, a ton of kids in the class really liked him and were so happy to see him back--several kids kept running up to give him hugs. He is shy and introverted--a few times I saw him try to speak to the teacher, simply not be heard, and give up. The kid my son had reported was asking him to do bad things, at one point started throwing duplos at another kid during indoor recess and rather than ask for help, my son just silently put his hands/body in between so she wouldn't get hit. After reflecting on everything and talking things over with school staff and the principal, we agreed that my son would likely benefit from a fresh start, and we jointly requested the district transfer him. At this point the AP had already quit, and I think this made staff feel more comfortable to speak freely--several actually apologized to me for the suspension and the general lack of communication/response when my son first started having a hard time under the long-term sub.

He was transferred to another elementary school, same distance from our house, starting the Thursday after Thanksgiving. I was very apprehensive but he has done great. Talking with his new teacher right before break, she said he does have some contact seeking behaviors (wanting to get hugs/touch other kids) but nothing harmful to others, she's never seen him do anything that she felt she couldn't handle in the classroom, and he got the highest MAP scores in the class in every area. He has already made some new friends. The first day I picked him up he said "see, I told you I wanted to be good" and "I love this school." I do think he has a long way to go in terms of relearning trust in school and working on issues he came in with that got exacerbated by everything (shyness, anxiety that leads to sensory seeking, perfectionism) but we're no longer trapped in a cycle of conflict and stress.

I also want to say, a few comments on my previous post were hard to take. I understand that I wrote it when I was very upset and concerned about dynamics at the school, and I think this read too much as an attack or distrust on my part of the school system in general. I work with teachers (including this school) for my job; I deeply want the system to succeed; I am not a permissive parent looking to excuse my son's poor behavior; and it was always my goal for kindergarten to build his respect and trust for his teacher and school, not to project or encourage anxieties. What we've been through the last few months was really hard, and in the end (with the exception of the assistant principal, who I firmly believe was trash and likely actively making things worse every time he interacted with my kid) I think everyone at the original school really wanted to help, but lacked the resources to be able to do their jobs as they wish to. It makes me really sad and scared for all our teachers and all our kids. I wish I knew what else to do about that.