I’ve been doing K like on my own buying it since January 2023 before then I would just do it if my friends had it but never had any real want to go out and buy it.. I used it to get through a really bad breakup and it first it really helped I would get great insights and could see the situation from an objective point of view any way I’m here now and throughout 2024 I’ve spent sometimes some months over $1000 on K or more .. it’s to the point where the only way I won’t buy it is if I run out of money from buying grams multiple times a week .. more often I would say in the past 5 months I get really weird trips where I act like a crazy person like when u see someone on the street clearly in psychosis talking to them selves and doing shit that doesn’t make sense and it really scares me.. like I’m not even in control of myself in those moments it’s like I’m watching me act weird as fuck n any bystander is like creeped out by me It makes me feel like if I continue that’s who I will become like homeless and not there anymore My grandmother was diagnosed schizophrenic so I think that’s my biggest fear that I’m making my psychotic behavior worse and worse I do deal with a lot of unrealistic thoughts like I’ll think a certain scenario is going on but it really isn’t .. like I’ll think I’m getting a spiritual download of people talking about me or that I can like tell the future or what people are thinking/ going to do and of course that never fucking happens .. it’s honestly stupid But yea I wanna quit but I fucking love ketamine I don’t even like drinking also I feel like I can’t go out and socialize sober cus I’m too awkward and non verbal usually .. I feel like I would have to change my entire friend group and dispose of who I am cus ketamine helps me mask .. I would even do it at work just so people would like me otherwise they think I’m off putting cus I’m not good at social cues. My depression has gotten way worse too I feel like it’s inevitable that I’m going to kill myself one day and I never used to be like this, like I had so much hope for my future now I can barley imagine anything really good happening for me it really sucks .. sometimes it just feels like a matter of time .. ketamine has been the only thing to help me but also kind of destroy me .. I love myself on K when I have great trips but other times it’s just gross like wtf am I even doing .. I’m taking a break for a couple months in November and I’m pretty worried I’ll be in a place with no access to it idk in a way it also acts like a mood stabilizer or reset button .. like when I go too long with out it I start feeling weird in my body like my existence feels uncomfortable

So yea idk can anyone relate