Hi, I have had 5 IV infusions of ketamine, starting at 50mg and increasing to 150mg. I didn't feel any different after 4 infusions but after the 5th and heaviest one, my mood improved a little and I had my best therapy session yet. But honestly, it's not the night and day difference and crazy grounbreaking experiences people have said it is so that raises questions:

When I trip out, I don't really process the many traumatic events in my life that led me to the mess that I am. These events are not like major one off events like PTSD, divorce. But it's a lot of mini events since I was young like bullying, physical and verbal abuse, years of emotional neglect, resentment, and some key choices that I made that ruined my life.

However I don't go through these events. Instead my trips make little sense to me. I feel sensations, see myself going through terrible emotions and feeling like I'm dying then letting go and traveling through all the uncomfortable emotions. On my latest, I saw my self shrink and become the entire universe. Then saw myself creating my own consciouness and the universe. Is this what's supposed to happen? I tried hard to see if I can stay consicious and journal a little like I could on lower dosages but couldn't. I started to blame my lack of progress and ability to go through my experiences and change my mindset on being on high dosages. I was out of my body and couldn't practice deep breathing and trying to meditate through my experiences.

Is Ketamine supposed to do all this? Or is it just a way to allow yourself to access supressed memories and talk about them. That certainly happend after my fifth. It's just when I see people here talk about their breakthroughs during their infusion without even therapy, I feel like I am doing it all wrong. So what dosage am I suppoed to be on? The high ones that totally take me out of my body or the low ones that still do but allow me in brief moments especially early on in the infusion to journal? How do you get your mind to help you have conscious emotional life changing experiences? How do you stay conscious and think through your trauma experiences?

Finally how spaced out should infusions be. Unfortunately all my 5 infusions have been within 48 hours of each other. I tried to get them to do it like every 72 hours or 3 days but its been Tu/TH or Mon/Wed. I am supposed to do my 6th tomorrow Thursday but I was thinking asking them if I can do it next week to space it out. So I can extend the effects longer. I am not sure if my provider will allow me to do more treatments or if they'll make me wait for monthly boosters.