One of my pleasures is watching birds feeding at my bird feeders in the morning. This morning this cunt of a local cat nabbed one of the six goldfinches I see regularly. I jumped up hoping to scare the cat into dropping it, but to no avail.

So time to weaponise:

The hose is at the ready and set on maximum to drench the fucker and it's also got a hair trigger. Fuck the hosepipe ban, this is war and the Geneva Convention doesn't apply to cats.

Cayenne pepper has been liberally sprinkled under the feeders.

If things escalate Punji traps will be dug and a catapult will be purchased along with a big bag of ball bearings which will be smeared in my own faeces to cause horrible infections if I don't kill the cat outright.