My (M35) GF (37) of 2 years was born in the UK, I’m half british/Italian. and her parents came here (the UK) during the revolution. On the surface they are very nice welcoming people and they like me a lot. I’m very successful in my career, this is Important to them, which I understand. Most importantly I love her dearly.

She has very low self esteem and also chronic anxiety. She has been criticised and shown very little love from her childhood to now. Her mother never hugs her or shows her love.

This makes her miserable when we are together and it has stopped us from moving forward. But it makes her go back and try more and more for their approval. I’ve explained parents often can be cruel but she can make her own decisions, stick by them, and show her parents she can get it right.

This is proving difficult.

For example, she wants to decorate her living room. We go shopping for paint. We chose colours. We spend a full day deciding on colours. Then she calls her mother, asks her advice and her mother picks different colours which she decides to use.

Last week, we go shopping as she needs new sofas. We spend all day looking at sofas, which colours and we decide on a style and colour. We talk about living together and relaxing on the sofa. During the week she calls her mother who tells her to get totally different sofas in a different colour. She goes with her parents and they buy her the sofas.

she has a doctors appointment this week. I always go with her to medical appointments as I am medically qualified. However, she told me her mother wants to go with her. Her mother does not feel she should take her partner/husband to a medical appointment so my GF tried to keep the time of the appointment Secret so I wouldn’t go. I figured this out and have just told her to go with her mother.

I’m the first partner her father has approved of, we talk well, he always asks how I am, how my career is going and how our relationship is. Her parents ask when we are getting engaged. Clearly they want it to happen. I work very hard, if we married she could stop working, and her mother encourages her to care for me in the traditional way, cooking etc. Her mother jokes and says “make him want to marry you” meaning treat him well etc. However, sometimes I laugh inside as sometimes I’m lucky to be offered a glass of water.

What she truly wants is to be married and secure. She’s never really been shown love, when we are alone she is so happy, she smiles, and for a moment she has no worries. I explain to my GF to stop worrying about what her parents think and put that energy into our relationship and we could have been engaged/married by now. We could be happy and live a wonderful life.

She has a sister age 34 and her sister has simply acted in a more mature way with her parents, less ‘needy’, refused to accept criticism or bullying and it gradually stopped creating a healthier relationship.

I have talked to her about this. She seems almost accepting that things will always be this way. Her one dream in life is to have children. She knows and I know that time is running out at age 37. Yet instead of focusing on building a future together, she spends her time arguing with her parents, trying to get their approval.

My best friend is also Iranian, and I asked his advice, he is a very good friend and we are close. His thoughts were that things won’t change. His advice to me? “Run”.

The situation is frustrating and confusing. I love her dearly. We have the chance to be happy, she’s found someone her parents approve of and they encourage her to move forward with me, have a good life together yet she cannot stop spending all of her energy on worrying, arguing and depending on her parents.