What does a relationship mean to me? Why does a part of my soul yearn for it, and feel empty without it?

To me it’s an emotional bastion, a safe haven, a firm and secure tether in a world that can throw you around like the innards of a maelstrom. We can be romantic for one another, can light up each other’s day and make each other feel like the most special lady or gentleman in existence. But we can also be human together, hurting, stressed, vulnerable. We don’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of what we’re going through, we can take off the mask and let ourselves truly be seen, and know and trust that our partner is there to support us, not because they have to be, but because they care so much that they want to be, and we know if circumstances were switched we would be there for our partner in an instant. We can be real together, two imperfect human beings who are perfect to one another, having each other’s backs and helping each other to navigate the trials and rigmaroles of life.

A brush on the arm, a breath on the neck, a kiss on the cheek; the gentle warmth of an arm casually draped around my shoulders. The physical and emotional embrace of having someone right there. The utter magic of being the subject of the words “my man”, “my boyfriend” or “my partner”. A reduction in isolation. A sense of belonging. Acceptance. Acceptance for who I am as a whole, real person, warts and all. Knowing that I’m the most important person in my partner’s life, just as they’re the most important person in mine. Caring. Feeling cared for, and being able to give every bit of my care to someone I love with my whole heart and soul. Being free to share the best of myself, and knowing the love and care will be appreciated, that I’m appreciated, and being able to show the love of my life how much I appreciate them.

I have people I consider friends, even though they’re remote. And friendship helps. But it can’t fill the void in my heart. It can’t do all the things, be all the things that my heart truly yearns for. Maybe it’s just my personality. I’m sure there are some people who can feel comfortable, happy and complete living life single. I am not one of them. That’s not how my heart was designed.

But what I see in the world around me is not what my heart wants. Casual dating and intimacy, “body counts”, notches on the belt, people using and being used, discarding and being discarded, people being chastised for daring to feel more, to want more, as if strong emotion is a weakness to be shoved out of sight, a petty childhood dream to be outgrown in a world where we’re expected to conform to sunken and emotionally ablated social norms.

I sometimes wish there was a dating site or something specifically for people seeking this type of bond, who didn’t view relationships as secondary casual things so likely to end in heartbreak that it’s not worth putting in the effort to even try to form a deep connection. I believe that we are in control of ourselves; truly deep bonds are not convenient to find, and take effort, dedication, patience, understanding and determination to form and maintain. But we have the ability to apply ourselves this way, if we really focus on trying to and if we are trying to build a relationship with someone with a compatible mindset and equal drive and passion to achieve such a bond. It shouldn’t feel forced or feel like a chore to care about someone this much, which is why I remain selective in my search for potential partners even though staying selective can feel ridiculously disheartening, lonely and hopeless at times.

But is there actually anyone else out there who feels this way? Who longs for a deep, enduring and loving emotional bond, and still believes it’s possible to attain? I don’t know; there’s so much dishonesty, cynicism, apathy, impatience and lack of true empathy in the world that at the very least, it seems very much like searching for a needle in a haystack.