I've spent the last 8 years of my life seeing countless specialists, clinicians, therapists, and doctors. I've tried all of the available medications and taken GeneSight to try to find what would work for me (guess what? Basically nothing). I've been through every therapy, psych program and ward available. Most doctors now refuse my case due to its complexity. I'm unable to really feel happiness and have many psychiatric disabilities. I'm 28 and first exhibited trauma responses in elementary school (was being SA/abused by moms now ex husband), started self harm and drug use at 11, first suicide attempt at 13, became an addict at 15. then medically neglected until i was able to get my own insurance and got help. My current combination of medications isn't great, but it keeps me out of the ward most of the time. . There aren't many more treatment options. The last two are ketamine and ECT. Last week, I started TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). Due to physical disabilities, my body has been in excruciating pain. The psych team and I decided that we will take this next week to troubleshoot, but if my body and brain cannot handle it, I was told that.. it may not be the treatment for me. It's taken me 8 years to get here. 8. I have two close friends and no family support. The only reason I am alive is for my service dog. And my trauma therapist knows that I decided a long time ago that I'll die by suicide. I've already died once. Came close too many times to count. I'm not afraid of death. I just.. I decided when I left the lifestyle that was killing me slowly on New Years of this year that I would try anything, anything - to try to get better. For my dog who has been through everything with me from hospital rooms to trap houses to living in my corolla to months apart due to lockdown wards. This dog is my life.

I'm terrified that we will find that my body and brain cannot take it. I'm terrified that I will have no other options. I'm terrified that I have made it so far just to see no future. To fail my dog.

I just need some support and encouragement because I feel so weak and tired and I wish my family cared but I know that they don't (and have told me so).

So, mom, dad. Please send me some love and support. It doesn't matter if the Glass is half empty or half full when you're drowning in it.