Hey all. I’m not sure what to do. Shocker, I know. But I’m serious about that: I am at the biggest crossroads I’ve ever experienced.

Quick recap. I’m almost 30, live with my parents, girlfriend lives 8 hours away, and my mother hates her. A very fun story.

I’m thankful for the kind—and not so kind, but blunt—advice I’ve gotten about my situation. I know I need to move out. I hate it, honestly. I’m terrified. So I keep making excuses like I can’t move out because of money. And I shrug off the idea of roommates. Or I can’t move in with my girlfriend because I need a job there. But when she says to move in first, I find an excuse. With all of this going on, and uncomfortably seeing how enmeshed I am, I’m stressed to the max.

My girlfriend has asked me for a year now why I only move in with her. And today I wondered why, genuinely. I followed the rabbit hole. And I know that at the core of every response to moving out and why I feel an unlnown fear, is because of my mother. Knowing that she despises my girlfriend because of something that offended her two years ago, and has held that grudge since, makes the outcome certain. She’ll scream, yell, cry and threaten me if I tell her I’m moving out. Multiply that by 5 and it’s how she’ll react if I moved in with my girlfriend.

I’m staying high every day, because I can’t cope with my life. It’s a bandaid to my depression. And I know I’m coping with drugs but I can’t stop.

I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend is becoming upset that I’m so indecisive and my mother—father to an extent—is becoming more clingy and react if I mention my girlfriend. Like, holy damn hell, that’s insane I even wrote that.

Reddit, what in the hell do I do? All of my excuses revolve around how my mother would react. And don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but how she throws temper tantrums if I don’t spend time with her every night, is driving me insane.