I’m 26(F) currently 1,000 miles away from my father (47) as he lies in a hospital bed on a ventilator. He’s had stage 4 kidney failure for years and this time his heart has finally given him a run for his money. I have a flight Tuesday to go and see him. Yesterday he woke up and ripped the tube out of his mouth. He was able to breathe on his own for a couple of hours after 5 days on the vent but coded and was revived shortly after. So he’s still here. Doesn’t stop the pain and worry any less.

Just a few weeks ago I was in Taiwan on vacation. I was living my best life. I was sightseeing and exploring. The last time I talked to him was February 13. My dad called me and asked about the weather there. He asked me about the food. About everything. He was truly interested in everything that was going on in my life. I could never convince him to get on an airplane for the next trip and we joked about that. We just held the phone for a minute. Sitting in silence. Mainly because we ran out of things to talk about. That’s usually how our calls go.

Eventually we did hang up with promises to call each other again. That hasn’t been the case. He was fine for the next few days, he liked my instagram posts,but then I received a panicked phone call from my stepmom about him being rushed to the hospital because he’s getting no oxygen to his heart. That’s what prompted all of this.

she asked me to come to my hometown to be with him. I know it’s a just in case thing and she probably feels he won’t make it. It’s so frustrating not being in the know about what’s happening. Seeing him so helpless and in the dark. He can’t respond to me on FaceTime. He can’t speak. Only head turns and hand squeezes and that was before the mishap. I don’t know about now.

Now I’m sitting here, awake at 5 am because I can’t sleep for more than 2 hours. I don’t know what I should be doing. I’m not the eldest daughter but I know people will look to me for answers and strength instead of my sister or brother.

I don’t know who to call or talk to because the only person I ever would talk to about stuff like this is my dad. He’s the person that would come to me with information. He would have the answers.

It’s all so stressful. I’m not the richest person in the world by any means. I live extensively modestly. I know taking so much time away from work will bite me in the butt but what other option do I have? I can’t simply ignore what may be his last days for a job that will replace me in a heart beat. But I still have to live right? I still need to pay bills because they don’t stop coming even when the world ends. I’ll never forgive myself if I can’t be there with him.

I just don’t know up from down at this point.