Hey, I (20F) have been playing music religiously since I was a baby, and it's always provided me something comforting and great pleasure in both my ears and my brain.

I'm encountering something I only really encountered this year, and certainly not to this extent. I found an artist this year (SZA) that I really liked, and when I discovered I enjoyed her music in May, I played it constantly. All the time, I was mostly listening to her, but would sprinkle in other artists as my ex got tired of me doing the repeating thing. I played her songs until I simply didn't want to anymore, and it felt okay.

That's the last time I remember obsessing/overplaying an artist. This time, it's much worse.

I found out I also really liked Tate McRae 2 weeks ago. Over the course of 2 weeks, I've spent probably an hourly total of at least 5 days listening to her music only. 5 days straight. Meaning I've spent at least 120 hours of continuously listening to music. I checked my stats and this is what it told me. I've played her songs over 2200 times in two weeks, and I feel insane.

I have barely any desire to listen to any other artist right now, and I'm not sleeping enough partially because sometimes I'll wake up to listen to the music. I haven't been sleeping well and have been experiencing paranoia, and the music keeps me company at those times in the night, especially as my partner isn't home from the holidays yet. I've also been getting startled by shadows and mild hallucinations, but I ignore them. When I think I see something I am usually playing the music, so I'm able to brush it off a lot easier.

I ran out of my meds earlier in the month, and delayed getting them refilled as I was worried about a billing issue. All my friends want me to call and get them back, but I really don't feel like talking on the phone. It's one of the steps I've been completely unable to take, instead stuck in this state of vibing and what I think it actually is: soothing. I said I’d call their office on Monday.

I highly suspect that the music is soothing me in a time of emotional turmoil (as my life is kinda shit right now) but I think it's also really exacerbating any sort of executive dysfunction I'm feeling right now. I don't have ADHD or Autism, but I do struggle getting my brain over the mental energy hurdle enough that I can actually attempt to do what I need to do. I asked my partner whether 2200 plays was abnormal, and he said it seemed quite excessive for 2 weeks. I'm wondering if I should bring it up to my psychiatrist.

I've always been singing, jamming and dancing around to tunes, and I've been the one to discover my taste since I was 9 with my iPad (previously it was gospel music, thanks ma :). Music is not only an essential part of my life, but it is one of the very few forces that animate me. Without music, I wouldn't be alive. However, I'm not living my life with the current way I'm playing music. I'm in hell, soothing but getting nothing done, while the thought of starting to move makes my bones ache.

I'm playing Tate right now, and it makes the writing more bearable, but I don't know why I can't just get moving. My laptop is in front of me, I can absolutely start to work, but my brain feels like it's dry of something. Whatever it is, it's stopping me from getting anything done. It's genuinely frustrating, and makes me upset with myself.

Is there anything I can do myself to try and get myself out of this ditch I've found myself in? I tried to cut it out but I find the alternative I often want is to go to bed right after it's off. I just want to start doing things again.