My family is muslim. My whole life I was expected to be muslim too and be apart of their religion. However I never had a good experience with it, from a young age I was taught to feel ashamed of my body because I'm a girl and our bodies are "something to hide." My dad has screamed at me too many times to count if im even showing an inch of skin or want to wear a dress. Religion has been shoved down my throat for years and its caused me to develop a deep hatred for it, in fact I'm even convinced I may have religious trauma because of all the depression and anger it has caused me.

My parents do this religious fast every year where they don't eat or drink water sunset till sunrise for 30 days. Of course they guilt trip me into doing it, make me feel like a criminal if I don't. For the past 2 years I haven't done it because first of all its unhealthy to go that long without water, second I need food to function throughout school/work, lastly not eating makes my depression 10 times worse. Every time I try to explain to my parents how this negatively effects me and that its cruel for them to make me starve and dehydrate for their god, they dismiss my feelings like they always have been my whole life leaving me with no other option but to lie.

Today I ate at school and when I came home my mom found out by checking my lunch account. She started screaming at me how people like me go to hell and ignored everything I had to say. Then she started slamming things and cursing. Everything to her is "heaven and hell" she and my dad don't realize they are making my life hell because they won't even let me eat the time I need it the most let alone let me have my own thoughts and feelings. One time I showed her how unhappy I was by revealing my self harm cuts and she didnt even care. She even said she rather me be muslim than happy. I want to kill myself and feel like im in a sadistic cult with people who couldn't care less if their loved ones suffer.