I only have two friends, and only one of them who likes to talk about emotions/deep topics with me. And that one is never fucking available to spend time with. And I know I shouldn't be upset with them for having a busy life, and I'm not upset with them. But I am upset. And I just want to curl up on the floor and stop existing. That or I want to go do dangerous things, like find a random stranger who will probably be only interested in me for the potential of sex. Or jump off somewhere and break my arm. Because then maybe someone would care about me.

And I feel like this a lot of the times that I ask if that person wants to hang out and then they aren't available. But if I don't ask to hang out, I worry that they might just forget about me and then I'd be even worse off. So I've been working on, when I try to ask them hang out, trying to prepare myself for that rejection and promise myself that I'll be okay if they are busy, because otherwise I don't want to let myself ask. But this time that just didn't work. And now I'm doing terrible and have no one to talk to about it.