...and there's a deep sense of sadness that I could never know how it’s like to be them, or understand them on an intimate level.

I hypothesise that this could be the reason I shut myself off from interacting with people I find interesting, putting up a detached front. Because when I "let loose", show others who I am, express the barest parts of me; when I am joyful or when I am tired or down, people in turn show me who they are. And this intimacy, this rawness of connection, can ignite so many emotions in me, that I would actually feel something in my heart. Sometimes it feels unnatural, because I was not supposed to be touched by people. At the risk of sounding like an edgelord, I've forgotten how it is like to not be cynical about humanity.

This feeling, it's not always intense. Sometimes I feel it in the simplest of things. Uncontrollable fits of laughter with a classmate I've just known. Talking to a friend I met along the staircases, who accompanied me to the library when I felt alone. Sarcastic banter with a colleague who secretly harbours a wealth of love for his grandparents.

It is only recently that I realised I am getting over the past, and finding myself in life again. And alongside this, I meet people of all sorts. When I put myself out there to interact with them, without any preconceived notions about who they are, I discover vastly different worlds, unravel so many perspectives outside of my own. Yet, this feeling is both beautiful and tragic, because it feeds on my desire to know someone intimately, to explore and dig around how it feels like to be them, what are their unique struggles? What made them who they are? What fronts do they display to others? When the lights go down, do they have anyone remaining by their side?

As far-fetched, perhaps idealistic that sounds, I secretly wish to be that person. The one who knows and understands amidst an ever changing world. But despite allowing myself to feel curiosity about the most volatile element of all — people — an enduring sense of powerlessness prevails, and perhaps rightly so. There are just too many factors in this world, and too little time, or opportunities, to pin them down.