Ok, so I (M43; INTJ) and my wife (F38; INFJ) have been together nearly 20 years, married most all of that and very happy with one another. We've never cheated on each other (can't quite fathom the concept) and we are both conventionally attractive. My wife has a job around a lot of people (I work remote from home) and gets hit on or cat-called often (both make her quite uncomfortable) and this does not bother me aside from her discomfort b/c I feel 100% secure in our relationship and it's a whole 'nother can of worms, but I'm a compersion guy who experiences the opposite of jealousy over such situations (she could have a FWB or a BF/GF on the side and I'd be happy for her).

BUT, when a woman hits on or shows interest in me:

1. I am oblivious (most often; I don't know how to flirt or if I'm doing something to attract this), segue to talking about her, or shut it down (politely) if it's direct.
2. My wife gets intensely jealous and triggered (in her words, "I will cut that bitch" is her immediate reaction)

On the one hand, guys don't receive a lot of compliments or direct expressions of interest from women (until recently for me as well), and I really enjoy feeling desired even though I have no intent to follow through (I don't lead women on either) and I also can't help feeling a little satisfied that this beautiful object of desire for so many men and also woman I love is so fiercely possessive of me.

On the other hand, she gets so upset and stressed when it happens and then that tears me up too and I spend hours calming her down (or more recently I've found just having sex asap fixes her right up 😅; it's about staking her "claim" as she puts it).

This coincidentally has happened twice in the last week and she's been a wreck. I don't expect her to become compersive like me, but any INFJs or folks with INFJ SO's that can relate and have any tricks for dealing with any part of this? I'd like it if she could become less jealous for this and other reasons, but I'm well aware that she and INFJs in general don't respond well to suggestions they should change how they think/feel about things.

Edit: More relevant info from the comments

I'm the only guy she's ever been with. She basically patterned her ideal man after me when I was in my 1st serious relationship (so unattainable) and swooped in after I broke that off (ending the 1st relationship had nothing to do with her). She had tried dating in college and broke off all those relationships quickly b/c she measured the guys against me and they fell short in her eyes. In her words I am "her everything", "her person" (one of 2 she gets emotional support from), "her best friend", and I never gave her anything but security until I had a low-key midlife crisis about a year ago and started craving novelty having been single for about a week since I was 17. That's the root of the jealousy. I haven't acted on my cravings aside from looking into swinging with her which we figured would ensure she's always able to stop anything. The most we've done is had sex in front of another couple, which she was comfortable with.

Figuring out that a lot of things she has always done/felt is very INFJ had me hoping that the intense jealousy was part of it. I have no intention nor desire to do or have her do anything she doesn't want to, but the "why am I not enough" feeling is often there for her.

All this said, she has always been possessive of anyone she's close to including friends (it's not just romantic by a long shot). She invests emotionally deeply in the people close to her.

Edit2: My wife's comments on reading this and some of the comments -

We've spent a lot of time breaking down our thoughts/desires/motives and overall feeling for each other. At the intellectual level we've done a really solid job of identifying both his idealized fantasies, my idealized fantasies (and also understanding my demisexuality), and what could possibly work for both of us within the parameters of how we define our relationship/commitment/ fidelity, etc. Some of my reactions came from a place of fear (specifically losing him) but these were internalized fears not projected by him or anyone else. Am I jealous? yes. But we've decided to approach all things as "team us", and neither of us would do anything that would hurt the other, so I know that he would not act on anything without my full support. (also I would never actually hurt a person, but with him I can be my base, sometimes terrible self and say things with him that would never be uttered in "real life"--- I'm a little horrified he mentioned the cutting comment tbh ^.~)

I don't think this post was intended as a way to convince me to change my mind, but rather as a way to seek out suggestions from other infjs and their coping mechanisms regarding jealousy. I'm stubborn af and he knows that the best way to turn me off is to try to change myself fundamentally.