I'm a parent and I agree 100%. This should be the commandments to all indian parents.

My desi parents were the typical narcissists and my mother was the codependent with borderline personality.

I've cut off my father.

My mother is around. I'm dreading the time when she becomes elderly. She wants to live her last years in India but staying because she wants to be near her grandkids. My siblings cut off all ties with her. I'm the only one.

Desi parents are like this because of generational trauma. Still no excuse to be abusive. Our parents are products of the culture and situation. If opportunities are given its their job to be taking initiative and responsibility. Sadly my mother refuses to be held accountable.

I've accepted that my mother is crazy and lacking in a few mental capabilities such as unable to have a real relationship.

When I view her as a "mentally ill person" who lacks ability, I don't feel guilty. I have tried to reconcile but she doesn't want to put in any effort from her side. I'll never have a relationship with my mother.

Once I accepted that, I realized that I will never have that mother daughter relationship ever. It was a hard pill to swallow and I needed time to grieve that. That made it easy. I distanced myself from my mother. I don't say much to her. I found other people instead. I'm essentially an orphan. My parents provided the basic necessities but abused me and did not have the maturity to actually raise me. I had to figure out everything as a teen and young adult. I basically raised myself.

This made me burnout in my 40s. I'm only now addressing the decades old abuse and trauma my parents inflicted on me because I was never allowed to speak of it. I'm finally getting help and focusing on my healing.

I'm focusing on my children and not repeating the same errors of my parents. I don't want my pain to be passed on to my kids.