My whole life I've wanted a family of my own. Instead it's been struggling from one place to another. This life of 'glory and honorifics' has felt like meaningless masturbation of an ego I don't have and vanity I dispise. Every goal, every mile I walked feels pointless without a wife baby I can call my own. Every chance, every fiber of my soul wants nothing more than that level of trust and love to have a baby, multiple times. It is and has been unobtainable, no matter how 'amazing' or 'charming', 'outgoing', or 'incredible' I'm being told by my peers or leadership. None of it brings me any comfort without them, the ghost of a ghost that is my lonely nightmare. All this property, all these material things and wealth, utterly pointless and useless. An effigy to a god I do not worship and a dwindling sense of self worth and self value. What good is good if no good comes out of it? How do I deal with what simultaneously feels like a right, but I have no right to ask of another? How does this heart move on from things outside of my control? Why do I dwell here and feel like I am incomplete and not worthy of myself all cascading within my very being? How alone it feels without all of you.