I've been ruminating over my deepest cravings during these days but they always seem to boil down to the same few basic things: getting married and becoming a father. Having a wife and turning into a husband. Transforming into a family man, once and forever.

These desires are so strong that I can barely think about anything else. Just hearing or thinking about the words "kids", "children", "wife", "family" or "marriage" makes my heart pound intensely and longingly. These words tend to poke it in a way that makes me feel sorrow that I'm not blessed with any of these amazing things yet. Nowadays, I cannot even imagine having sex without the thought of fully committing myself to my partner and conceiving a child with her. Such is my desire to become a husband and father - it has become everything for me.

I need all of this right here and now: my heart doesn't want to wait anymore, not even for a single moment. I need to sense my partner's deep affection and desire, her touch and kiss so badly; me gladly giving these things back to her in gratitude. I want to make her mine - my beloved wife and the mother of our adorable children. I need to feel us both hopelessly falling in love for each other, developing an unbreakable emotional and physical bond. I want to make sure that she loves me intensely and wants to be together with me forever. I'd love her back with all of my heart and I won't imagine any other future for myself besides becoming her loving husband and the father of our beloved kids. I need us to become one in all senses of the word - physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually. I want us to entangle our mutual feelings so deeply until we're eventually unable to live without each other.

I feel like my current life without a loving family to nurture and provide for is unfulfilling and pointless. There is a void in my heart which urgently needs to be filled with the warmth of my partner and children being there for me during these joyful, festive times.