All I have left is my brother, a few years older, and mother, mid fifties. Alcoholic, physially abusive dad is dead. I have no friends, really; never had a girlfriend and as name suggest, never gotten close to anyone. I've never really felt close because of how I feel like I've been treated. They seem like they want to be close now but I don't really trust them. Maybe they've calmed down a little in their old age? Now days, though, I feel like they both have in the past and currently are dissapointed in me (was too heavy, had a beard, not living life to its fullest). The only person with whom I felt close and really loved was my grandma but she died several years ago. I can't get into details but they've both done things to me that have made me feel like shit in general. I can't really form relationships or friends easily because of the abuse from others over the years. My brother and mother feel like basically strangers to me. I've called them alot of the years just to chat or say hello. They in the the past said I've called too much. I've given them money and free housing when they needed it. I don't know what they want out of me or what I'm supposed to do. What is it like to have a family? I don't know!

I stopped visiting them often a couple of years ago (all live in different states) when my mom blew up at me and crying, started raising hysterics about me being too fat, having a beard, and wearing unusual clothes. I don't live with her or anything but it kind of scared me. I called my brother about it and he was having troubles of his own about something but blew up at me on the phone and I didn't know what to do. Also didn't help when we were going to visit someone he threatened to beat me up when we were debating something stupid and his temper flared up (he's gone to jail for this sort of thing).

Another thing I need to know, is how do I judge how much of this is being clouded by my own lense of perception? I mean, how do I know I'm remembering things right and how do I take a real honest look in the mirror at what has happened and why I feel this way?

I talked with my mom about why I'm not married (and probably also a virgin but she didn't say that) and it came down to 1.) Not letting anyone get close to me because of abusve, 2.) I've been doign this for too long and it's too hard to change. I think it started as another you-need-to-make-friends talk, just like we've been doing for 30 years now. I wasn't angry or anything, just tired of hearing it.