I have been married to my husband almost 5 years now. We have two wonderful kids. We agree on a lot of important things. The thing we keep fighting over is that I want to have sex with other people and he just wants me.

I've identified as polyamorous for over 10 years now, but I've always wondered if that was just an excuse to have sex with lots of people.

I was diagnosed bipolar as a teenager and I definitely had manic hypersexual episodes in my early adult years.

I've cheated on a lot of partners, sometimes with people I didn't really like that much. Ive used my open relationship status as an excuse to cheat in past relationships. Ive acted totally without consideration for what is supposed to be my primary partner.

I've never cheated on my husband. I feel bad about all the people I hurt in the past. I don't want to treat him like that. He's tried so hard to make me happy. I've dragged him to orgies with my friends. I've met people online and brought them home. He's tried to date other people but he really doesn't want anyone else.

I started disassociating really bad after shelter in place started back in March. Were both feeling a bit claustrophobic not being able to go anywhere or see any friends. I ignored him and he begged me for attention.

A little over a month ago, he told me he wanted to have an open relationship and date other people again. I was reluctant until a longtime friend I had flirted with for years said she wanted a girlfriend. I was instantly attracted to this friend and her now fiance when I met them about 10 years ago. I was attracted to them before I met my husband and before he told me that he briefly dated her in high school.

I ignored my husband's increasing discomfort with these people and went to see them 3 weeks ago and had sex with both of them. My husband was freaking out the whole time and ended up begging me not to be with them. I agreed for about a week and then told him I had spent that whole week resenting him for making me break this off.

We've been back and forth on this. Fighting, then breaking down and having makeup sex. He says he hates them now and doesn't ever want to see them again.

It felt so nice to be with this couple though. I've been obsessed with them for so many years that I've built up this fantasy in my head that i love them. And the way that they touched me made me feel like they love me too.

My husband told me it was either him or them. He didn't want to be with me if I was sleeping with them. I agreed to stay with him while secretly thinking what it would be like to run away with this couple. I started plotting ways that I could butter my husband up and make him ok so I could see this couple again.

He said he wanted us to find someone together. 3 days ago he invited over a woman he had been talking to. I was disappointed and not physically attracted when I saw her in person. But I pushed myself to do this for my husband. He was attracted to her and she was attracted to me. He asked in front of her if I thought she was cute, I didn't want to embarrass her and say no. He took the lead and I went through with it. The three of us had sex together then he said she could stay the night because it was late and she was really stoned. I fell asleep and they stayed up and kept having sex without me.

The next morning after she left, I told him he needed to get tested and I wasn't ok with him having unprotected sex with her. We ended up having a huge fight with him not understanding why I wasn't attracted to her and asking me to have sex with her again anyway. I told him he could be with her without me but he said he didn't want to have sex without me. He said he didn't care about her or anyone else.

Everytime he tells me that he doesn't want to have sex with anyone else or he doesn't love anyone else I feel bad that I can't say the same. The sex with him has been frequent and really good in the last year or two. But I'm still left with this gnawing feeling of desire, of what if.

I worry more about what people would think of me for leaving him and my family than about hurting him. I stay out of convenience, out of obligation to my family. I really do love him. These fantasies of other people never stop. I know it's worth it to throw my marriage and my family away to chase sex. Because at the end of it, that's all it is. Those fantasy people aren't gonna stay with me and take care of my house and my family.

TLDR: I have a husband and family I love. Husband is mono. I'm worried I only identify as poly so I can sleep with other people. Its tearing my marriage apart.