i’m going to copy and paste a previous post i’ve made just so i don’t have to retype. tldr provided at the end of course. but it’s been messing with me for a few days now. i feel weird and dirty, like something bad will happen, i feel so sick and nauseous.

but i was alone a lot as a kid. and when i played pretend by myself i would pretended to be getting assaulted.

I wasn't doing it for giggles or attention. i don't mean i lied to people that i was assaulted or touched. i never told anyone about this. but i would only do it when i was alone. never with anyone else. but i would play pretend that i was being assaulted. i was really young, i barely remember it. I'll say i was in 3rd grade. my family is real messy so i lived with my aunt and my mom but they were both busy so i was often taken care of by a house keeper. but even then i wasn't really supervised.

i remember there was a statue of a buddha in the living room. i remember playing scenarios where i would be forced to do embarrassing things against my will and i would talk to this statue like he was the man assaulting me. i would do this a lot but it's kinda blurry. but i remember one time i pretended like a man was taking off my clothes and forcing me to show my bare bottom half. i took off my pants and got in a compromising position in front of the window. i remember feeling embarrassed, i didn't know why i was doing it. i remember wanting it to stop but i was playing pretend, i could stop when i wanted. but i didn't. i only stopped because the housekeeper came into the living room. i had hastily pulled my pants up so she didn't really see anything.

i don't remember a lot as a kid. and now i wonder why i ever even did this as often as i did. I was always scared of men growing up, so i have this weird sickening feeling something happened to me and i just don't remember. i wasn't overly exposed to porn online or anything. i had internet access but i would just watch pokémon and kirby fan animations amvs on youtube lol. it's been bothering me for a while.

TLDR; i was alone a lot as a kid, so i would play pretend by myself and pretend that a man was assaulting me and forcing me into sexual positions and into doing dirty and degrading things. i felt guilty and scared, but i don’t remember any sexually traumatizing event happening to me as a child. i never told anyone about this. i only remembered i used to do this recently and it’s making me feel so sick. if anyone can provide insight, please help me.