I get this intense gut punch of adrenaline in my stomach when having sex that I consent too. Its like my body is telling me "this situation is dangerous" even if its not and i genuinely want it. Well do I genuinely want it? The sex itself or just the company and affection? Haha thats a hard question that I cannot answer. Anyways

I am addicted to the thrill and danger. I weirdly find that gut punch feeling is still here but feels less intense now. Like I get that gut punch feeling when I remember being coerced into sex. Now its there even when I read a text from my fwb wanting me. Like my gut surges with sickly adrenaline. It can feel naseauating actually When I am high it feels rlly intense so maybe I gotta start being sober when I have sex which sucks bc when Im high I dissociate much more and its easier for me to make impulsive choices since nothing feels real anyways

Its hard to tell if the hook ups hurt or help. But at least I now associate sex with consensual encounters with an admittedly questionable guy instead of associating it with abuse... so im gonna say my current hoe phase is helping me... haha....