I have a hook up planned tomorrow and parts of my mind yell "please no". while another yells "I dont want to, but I simply have to."

Its not smart yet I do it anyways. I always get really high or drunk and the sex feels dreamlike. Other than this fwb I have been celibate for over a year. I feel so nervous because I have stalled meeting with this person for 2 months now. And tomorrow we most likely will finally meet for a third time. The other 2 times I was very high and barely remember.. but he was normal.. as in, he doesn't seem forceful?. Pushy but not terribly pushy. very hypersexual himself.

I feel very scared I guess. Yet crave it too? I dont know.

I know sex is bad when you are traumatized as hell and dissociate and shake in fear even. Its like why am I doing this? I can't even answer myself.