Hello. I am unsure where to start. Several years ago I was diagnosed with depression, and bi-polar with anxiety. I’ve been on meds and they have helped. At the same time I became very sexually needy and did a lot of stupid things in that timeframe. Since then I have developed a pattern, I will have a month or two, sometimes even three, that things are more or less normal. Maybe some self-satisfaction on occasion but not the full on go out and find someone at all costs.

I’ve been in mania for the last two weeks. I’m still taking my medication but it doesn’t seem to be working right now. Maybe due to all the alcohol. I have a lot of stress that I’m dealing with currently. I’ve been out almost every night this last week and weekend. Sometimes I am successful and find a hookup and sometimes I am not, when I am not I end up at a strip club and end up fooling around with a stripper I know there. I know that any night she works I can go there and get what I want, but it makes me feel worse than hooking up at a bar.

I have a partner who understands when I reach this crazy state and tries to wear me out, is the best way to say it. She has told me no more clubs, and I’m trying to respect that. I was going to go and have a drink with my buddy tonight and stay away from clubs and not drink too much and try to not hookup with anyone. He is a friend and helps me sometimes stay out of trouble. I enjoy his company and distraction.

However, she just told me that she set up a date for tonight for me, which was weird. Something she has never done before. It is some friend of a friend or something. I have reservations on going. I don’t know if it is worse to have permission or not to. I am not even sure what the expectations are for the date, or anything. I don’t know if I want to do that with someone my lady knows, it could make things even more complicated.

My manic phases usually last three or four weeks, I end up spending a lot of money that I shouldn’t and hooking up with a lot of random people during that time. Rarely the same person a second time, not sure why though. I am still trying to figure out what the trigger is to hopefully catch it before it starts, but no luck on that yet. It is weird for eventually it just fizzles out. The feelings of need just fade and I stop looking for someone. Then my drinking slows and I can go weeks without a drink.

I feel so much guilt for not being able to stop myself from doing these things. I’m fighting the sadness that I feel all the time, and going out seems to let me feel something different for a time, but then I have the intense guilt of what I have done to deal with. I love my lady, don’t get me wrong, she satisfies me in many ways, companionship, sex, friendship and so much more. But I don’t understand why I still go out looking, its not a conquest thing, or a bed knotch thing, its just a intense desire to be with someone anyone, to feel something, something different than what I feel all the time.

I’m barely keeping up with my work right now. I’ve installed software that blocks porn sites to help maybe stop being stimulated or something. I cut up my credit card so I couldn’t use it anymore. I’m trying anything I can think of to limit my ability to go out. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to stop this destructive behavior before she reaches her limit or I reach mine. I have been so full of guilt and sadness that I have contemplated ending it all and I don’t like those thoughts. I’ve been in that dark place before and it scares me, I almost didn’t survive the last time.

I don’t know what I’m asking for, maybe just venting.