A while ago I had made a post here thinking aloud, how hyper-sexuality can be the result of CSA/ SA but it can also happen without any past abuse history at all. I fall in the second type.

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Since my post, I ventured into 'trauma sexualized' territory and came into contact with some women who are CSA survivors and ones who have made peace with/ healed from their trauma, but have also gone further to somehow channel and turn their trauma into a kink - daddy/ little girl, humiliation/ degradation, slut-shaming, CNC etc.

Just seeing how comfortable they are, sharing their trauma stories and even getting off on sharing them, has made me see trauma in a very different light and as screwed up as I already am, it has got me hooked on these trauma stories and I do not know what it is called when someone adapts to/ adopts someone else's kinks and preferences, but that is what happens to me.

CSA/ SA has been a huge anxiety trigger for me. Ever since I can remember, it has messed me up, filling me with anger and hate for the abusers and frustration, guilt and sense of justice for the victims who were helpless. Me feeling helpless just as well, internalizing their trauma as an empath.

Now, I seem to be drawn to it/ to seek out the trauma stories! I am somehow suppressing my bad anxiety trigger, by leaning into the story teller's comfort and peace about their own trauma, even feeding my hyper-sexuality with their ease and ability to get off to it!

I am able to get off with them, stroke myself while they rub themselves telling me how they were abused. Because they love invoking those memories, even wanting to relive them in some role play.

But, it is temporary. I cannot suppress the triggers for too long. As soon as the chat/ conversation is over, I am back to feeling triggered and regret it all.

I need this to be OK and consistent, I need to get off with them more than just once.

I am really screwed.