I consider my hypersexuality an addiction of some kind, or maybe a form of obsessive self-harm. I wish it was something I could just cut off cold-turkey (which I’ve tried for a month to no avail), but how can I be expected to completely quit something that I still need in some capacity? I shouldn’t be having jerk-off sessions that last to the point that I’m lightheaded with hunger and fatigue, but I can’t have the regular release my body still needs without it falling into that addiction category. This isn’t one of those forms of self-harm where the goal is to stop, it’s one where you have to learn moderation. It would be easier if I could just throw it all away, but instead it’s like training yourself to partake in an addictive substance, except only a little bit, and also you have to not totally succumb like you always do.

What’s worse is that sex ed / sexuality are one of my biggest special interests. I’ve always been fascinated by all things sex, such as: anatomy/health, medical conditions, kinks and kink culture (including ones I don’t have), psychology, sexual media, etc. Do you know how hard it is to be addicted to your special interest? The one thing that gives you unadulterated joy and enrichment is also the thing causing you harm.

I also have a whole other cocktail of neurotypes that make it harder for me to regulate my emotions and resist impulses, so it feels like I was always doomed from the start. I know I’m getting better everyday, but in some other ways, it feels like I’m also getting worse. I wish this was something I could share with a therapist, but every time I so much as hinted at it, I’ll get a vibe from one that made me feel unsafe to reveal more.

I’m so grateful I have a friend now who’s in the same boat as me, we started talking about this shared interest relatively recently and it’s been a godsend not keeping everything to myself and having someone that just Gets it. I’m not sure if it’s had a positive effect on my porn addiction yet, but it helps with the shame to talk about it and know you’re not alone.