I've only ever known lust and obsessions from a very young age. All my relationships platonic or otherwise always had an underlying sexual purpose. When that's your mindset and outlook for decades it taints the chances of wholesome interactions or meaningful relationships. Even with longterm partners who are deeply in love and go to lengths to satisfy your needs. In the end they're just another pleasure and there will always be more and different pleasures that one feels compelled to indulge. So then the guilt sets in knowing there's a lack of love to give this person because twenty five years of repression and regrettable decisions tore any semblance of self love away. Apologies just venting and a tad stoned. But fr lmfao