I'm really into doing subconscious healing, and I've been in EMDR therapy for a while. Last week what came up was feeling like I'm a disappointment, because people always want things from me but I can only give what I want to give and not necessarily what they want. I have the community channel, so it's a tough lesson for me.

I found HD last week, and I learned that I have a defined heart but an undefined crown and ajna, and also that the heart is the centre of willpower. I had a session today. In EMDR, you find an old memory and use bilateral stimulation to process the memory in a similar way we do during the REM cycle of sleep. In HD terms, you basically find the memories where you've been conditioned a certain way and then use the natural ability of your brain to decondition yourself.

I didn't have one memory for feeling like a disappointment, but my subconscious gave me a picture of me as a five year old in the garden with my family looking at me. I saw my eyes and the confusion in them, and felt the emotional turmoil. It wasn't like a huge memory, but if I let myself concentrate on the feeling it gave, I started getting emotional from feeling like a disappointment. In EMDR, when you start processing, images and sensations come to your mind as if you were seeing them but not with your eyes but in a different way, it's hard to explain if you haven't done it. Another memory came up during processing when a boy was trying to kiss me, and I didn't like it, and the adults thought it was funny and made me feel like I was in the wrong for not wanting his attention. More images and sensations were coming up, and I could feel my feelings as a five year old: the confusion, feeling misunderstood, the spitefulness at everyone making me feel like I'm in the wrong etc. My therapist told me to sit down with myself as if I was my parent, and I started telling my child-self that I understood her spitefulness and she was right. Then the weirdest thing happened...

I could see myself now as an adult and then as a five year old, but I felt weak as an adult and powerful as a child. Child-me looked at now-me, and I saw that child-me was already perfect just the way they were because they haven't yet forgotten to listen to their heart. That willfulness that I was conditioned out of from that day forward was my greatest quality. I spent my whole life trying to attain wisdom through learning and listening to other people (undefined crown and ajna), and using the inherent willpower I have to force myself to give everyone what they want. Well turns out, I already had all the wisdom I needed at five: to listen to my own emotions and use my willpower to do what I want. And child-me sat down with now-me and told me all that, and she just stood up and told everyone else they were wrong and she was right, maybe not right about everything but definitely about herself.

And with all the confidence in the world, she came back to me to tell me that I already have all the wisdom I need. I'm in awe of child-me, and she's still me, I just needed to feel all that I guess. It's crazy how HD gave me the right adaptive information for my subconscious to put the puzzle together. The thing with EMDR is that once you process something it's processed. Obviously, you still need to experiment with using your gift and everything, but the shadow lifts. I'm a wonder and always have been, I just needed to find my way back to the confidence and feel that my willpower is something to cherish rather than something that's a source of disappointment for others. Other people have no idea what they want if they're in their not-self. They might be disappointed, but I'm not the disappointment. And sometimes the things they want is not the things they need.

What a beautiful world we live in when we can use old wisdom and new techniques to meet ourselves how we were originally intended: perfect just the way we are.