This is just a vent post because I don't have any friends to talk to about this. No one is obligated to respond but advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry if this is all over the place I'm just trying to get my thoughts out.

I developed feelings for a coworker. After a few months we started hooking up. During that time my feelings intensified and I fell in love with him as I got to know him better. I realized he was everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He was so sweet and caring and affectionate towards me. I hadn't received that kind of treatment before. I knew going into this that hooking up with someone you had feelings for was a bad idea. I've thought about it and I can't think of why I decided to do it anyways apart from I wanted him. In any way I could.

The agreement was we would hook up until he found someone to settle down with. I wasn't expecting him to find that person after only hooking up a handful of times. Not after he told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now and he wanted to wait awhile.

I'm just so hurt. I thought I had found the person who could become my soul mate. I'm tired of falling in love so easily. I just want to find 2 nesting partners (I'm polyamorous) and I wanted him to be one of them. I hate that I read a book today where the main character perfectly described how I feel about him. I hate that she got the ending I wanted with him. It's been a few months now and I still can't stop thinking about him.every day. I never wanted a picket-fence life bc I couldn't imagine it with anyone. But I can imagine it with him. If I were to have a picket-fence life with anyone it would be with him.

I'm tired of people telling me "you're young, you'll find someone" (I'm 20) I'm autistic and adhd, it's extremely difficult for me to find and make friends, let alone a life partner. I've spent so much time working on myself and realizing how toxic I was in past relationships. I'm ready for a healthy relationship. I'm ready to give all my love to someone. I'm terrified of not finding that someone until I'm 40. I don't wanna have lived half my life before finding the person who wants to build a life with me.

I still don't understand how he doesn't have feelings for me given how affectionate he was and his "I'm gonna keep you" jokes, and all the cuddling and hand holding and random kisses. I've said it before but that's not how you treat a hook up.

Ive heard it takes men a few months to realize they have feelings for someone. I'm terrified he's gonna come to that realization in a few months or years and try to reconcile things. He's already proven I'm not his first choice, but I don't know how to say no to him. I've fallen in love plenty of times but I've never felt this strongly or this specific way about anyone before. I know I could be a great partner. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.