Content warning for talk of bodily functions, mainly periods

Nothing makes me feel so utterly wretched and disgusting as having started to menstruate and knowing that this is something I will continue to do thousands of times until I hit menopause. The human female body feels like such a fucking inefficient waste of energy and it upsets me so much that I have to be stuck with one.

The thing is that I don't "feel like" a guy. I know my body is a "healthy" female body. I just fucking hate it. I can't think about being female without it making me irrationally angry that I was literally given this shitty lot in life where my body will menstruate until I get pregnant and it fucking irritates me to no end that my body is literally built around producing offspring. I hate the way our culture and nature just views reproducing as the be all end all.

Being pregnant and having to raise a child is quite literally my worst nightmare. I would very VERY literally rather die than give birth. Nothing causes me so much panic and terror than the fact that I could unwillingly become pregnant and my body is just readying itself 24/7 for that to happen. It's the prime directive of my body. Being anything other than a parent is second in my biology because everything is built around reproduction. Breasts. Child bearing thighs. Menstruation. Body fat. All this fucking bullshit just for the sake of getting pregnant and squirting out a kid.

I hate my body so much just because it's female. I hate female biology and the way it's designed. I could be taller, have faster muscle gains, a higher libido and no risk of getting pregnant all without fucking bleeding all over myself like a baby pissing it's diaper every month. I could have been that. But I wasn't. I feel like I was born with a genetic defect, and the defect is being the inferior sex for doing anything other than reproducing.

I respect women and have the utmost respect for them for being able to do shit in spite of this piece of shit biology they were born with, but I do think they are inherently at a disadvantage biologically compared to men for almost everything. I become useless and incompetent every month for days on end because my body wants a fucking baby. I lie in bed pissed off and angry and emotionally fucked because this is it. This is the life I get. The only life I'll know. Why would anyone hire me over an equally competent male counterpart who doesn't run the risk of pregnancy and won't suffer from sudden case of BULLSHIT BIOLOGY every month.

The worst part is that this makes me think I'm not trans. I'm just a biological misogynist who hates what evolution did to females of our species and hates the fact that I am one. I'm not exaggerating my opinion when I say being born female feels to me like being born with a developmental disorder or some sort of debilitating chronic condition. I know that it's a shitty mindset. Don't care , it's how I feel after 25 years of being stuck as this. I hate myself just for being female. If I had a magic genie with the capability to cure cancer or make me born male, I'd take the latter.

I know these aren't healthy thoughts. I know rationally this is wrong and sexist and I should not be thinking this way. But I can't. I'm angry and upset and even more upset because I know I'm not ""supposed"" to be angry about this. I fucking can't handle 50 more years of this.