TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME DYSPHORIA AND INTERNALIZED VOICES OF SELF HATRED.

I will apologize in advance because this will be rather long-winded but idk who else to ask about it. And I want to clarify as I purposefully added "self directed" into the title, my internalized transphobia is directed at myself. Transgender and nonbinary people of all types are valid and deserve to live our lives the way we want to that make us comfortable and happy. That being said I have a MAJOR problem. My dysphoria is extremely bad. I have to shave my face in the shower so I don't see it. I hate seeing myself if I don't have makeup on. When I am putting my makeup on, I (usually) feel pretty after the fact, and I do enjoy doing it, but while I'm doing it I have these deep rooted voices in my head going "see? You're not really a girl. Even you know. Because this voice is your unconscious mind. Real women don't have to do this to look like women. They do it to look pretty. You do it to look female. which you wouldn't have to do if you were female." That basically repeats on a loop. Here lately I've dreaded doing my makeup for that reason. And I hate going out without it. I am an Uber driver, and my dysphoria got so bad constantly getting dead named I changed my display name and photo on the app even tho I don't pass. I'm in Texas and that's a huge risk of safety on my part. But it's preferable to hearing my dead name all the time. I accidentally ordered a debit card with my chosen name on it instead of my legal name, and I basically never use my regular debit card anymore. It hurts to even touch it. I don't even really like having the damned thing in my wallet. Everytime I use my new card I feel I might be committing a crime, but I'm not sure if I am. I mean its connected to my real social, which is one reason I don't understand why it went through with my non-legal name. I can barely pay my bills because I constantly miss out on bonuses and incentives because I'm not driving nearly as often as I could be. If I drove more and actually hit my incentives and bonuses I could be making 1500 a week or at least a thousand. It's bad. Very bad. My family is as I like to say accepting but not supportive. They let me do what I want and dress however and they don't lecture me or make comments about it but they also don't affirm me or call me what I want to be called. I live alone. It's just me and my dog and my 2 bearded dragons here. In some ways that's freeing but it's also very lonely at times. And I have no one to push or motivate me. I am going to start seeing a gender therapist my church is connected with (they are very affirming, they not only accept all identities but celebrate them both as an individual and within the church body). But that won't start for about another week or so and rn I don't even feel like I can make it to that point. I do not know if it has anything to do with it but I was recently cut entirely off of hrt for about a month. I started estradiol injections, progesterone and spiro back in January. Recently I couldn't pay my bill, and that also just happened to be my refill month, so they didn't send it until I could pay it, which thankfully I finally got the courage to ask my church for help and they paid for it. They also gave me 500 dollars to help towards rent. Id be much worse off than I already am without them. I have been on hrt again for about 2 weeks. But all of these problems have been going on before I started the first time and after I was already on it before I ran out. I tell people my depression has gotten better and in many ways it has. It comes from a different place now and in some ways it's worse. The more I try to do, the worse my dysphoria is. And the more unmanageable it all becomes. All my problems stem from me not being valid to myself. Anything I try to do to affirm or validate myself is met with an internal voice of self hatred that says "you're not a real woman. If you were you wouldn't have to do this stuff. You're just a very mentally fucked up man". I see myself years in the future and I want it. Deep inside I want it. I believe in the woman I see 10 years ahead. I just don't know if she'll exist. I do this thing sometimes where I google "cool words in other languages" or similar things, and I stumbled onto one that encapsulates pretty much everything I feel. The word is "Hiraeth". A Welsh word for which there is no direct English translation, but basically it's a homesickness, but it differs from how we think of homesickness. Hiraeth specifically describes a homesickness type of longing for a home to which you can never return, or perhaps that never existed. I feel Hiraeth for my 40 year old self. I'm 32 MTF. I came out to my parents and brother April last year and basically didn't do anything about it for months. I came out to everyone else publicly in October, and by the end of October I was out at where I worked at the time and doing my makeup. I've been more or less full time since the end of March, but I still haven't once had the courage to use the women's bathroom. I don't feel I pass, but that's far from the only reason. I invalidate myself because I don't really feel a need for bottom surgery, my dysphoria is more about my face hair and chest, and my hands and feet. I invalidate and unaffirm myself for lots of reasons. I tell myself maybe they're right. Maybe just thinking of yourself as woman gets you horny and that's the real reason you like makeup and want to pee with women. Maybe you're a creep.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO CLUE HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THIS.