So I'm here while I try to drain all the negativity out. I've been trying hard to be a positive influence but some things happened that broke me, and people have been complaining about the server being "dramatic". I'm in my 30s and don't want to be a bad influence to the younger people there, so I left the hikineet server.

I don't have any support system now, unfortunately. Whenever I thought I've found someone who can listen to my problems and take me seriously, it turns out I've overestimated them. I've lost too many friends because I overshared and they took it as me being toxic. I just want someone to come home to but I guess I'm not good enough for them. I don't want to seem too intellectual or strong or interesting because whenever people see my weakness, they feel like I've been pretending or leading them on.

There's no chance for me to be my real self. They only want the cool sides and that's not even a big part of me. I'm sick and tired of my emotions being pushed aside for the most part. Everybody saysm "forget about love, focus on yourself, improve yourself," but I know that even the most evil neurotypical non-hikineets have wives and families and friends. People actually like to be with corrupt politicians and narcissists but nobody likes to be with me. What's the point of me even trying to be nice or do the good thing? I've paid my dues, I got my degree, I even tried getting a job, and for what? To be pushed aside over and over again. Nobody really listens to me. Nobody really cares.

"Improve yourself" or "do your research" is just shorthand for "you'll never be good enough for me but saying that straight is rude, so I'll give you an impossible task so we don't have to cross paths ever again, you useless emotional blob, don't even look at me, you monster!"

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I don't want to bring an entire community down. I just need one person, JUST ONE, that I can be totally myself with. That I don't have to water down my emotions with. Why is it okay for people to be so edgy nowadays but when someone is warm and fuzzy it's, "eww, corny"? And I'm not allowed to love anybody until I have a job, plenty of savings, and stable mood? I have mental disorders dammit, one of which is lifelong. So I don't deserve to love and be loved, is that it?
If nobody can accept the best and most positive parts of me, then what's the point of me being existing...

I was always there for my friends when they needed a shoulder to cry on but I'm left all alone when I'm the one who is crying. My irl friends have all found jobs and partners. Now I have nobody, not even them. It's so unfair. God is so unfair. I've watched all those miracles happen to anyone but me. When I've been trying and crying and praying for so long! WHY?!?!

I don't enjoy complaining or being an edgelord. I'm not into gaming. Anime and dramas can only distract me up to a point. Why are people so cold now anyway? Why can't we be warm? Sorry for going off into a rant. A lot of what happened was my fault but I have nowhere to go to process it. God must truly hate me, and if so, then I deserve it.