After a long day of my just new 12 hour job, I feel like crying but tears don’t come out. Edit: my heart is so heavy And I want to quit already the first week. I haven’t worked in a year. ==== end of edit

It’s not necessarily the job either. Someone tonight just blew up on my Instagram because I said what they quite irrationally thought was the wrong thing to say. Even after explaining myself, it is all sad. No matter, they interpreted what I said in an offensive way, even when I twice said it wasn’t nor did I in my heart of hearts think it was. Even though I apologized profusely twice even when it wasn’t my fault. No matter. Blocked.

It was almost as if they were looking this entire time to get rid of me.

For all the relationships in the new City of Austin I have met, there are none I can truly call my friends. I met flaky, frenemy people after flaky frenemy people. Only person I ever dated was too ashamed of publicly admitting dating because my skin color was too dark and I was too transgender for their friends and families liking. I don’t project it, but apparently just like my skin color that was a hurdle. Her mother said her “real” boyfriend is her ex who’s a white guy, she eventually said that she actually him loved even though she asked ME out.

I am stuck in this city. It is fun but relationships are shallow. It puzzles me why you would willingly give your social media to me without I ever asking and yet reply infrequently and essentially ghost me. Why say “I promise we will hang out by Sunday” and then completely forget about me! Someone told me to comment message them on Tiktok yet when I did they refused to accept a direct message when they said they would. Why give social media if you’re not gonna be kind?

I…don’t even know. If someone asking for MY social media isn’t the signal for friendship, what else can there possibly be?

I have tried and tried and tried, and it feels like a constant failure.

Why can’t I belong anywhere? It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

All I wanted was good, healthy friends that are not ashamed of me. I’m not asking for the world, all I want is good friends.