Was trying to sleep and made a personal realisation about myself that I'd rather not have realised.

I hide crys for help in jokes at work and in my personal life.

Eg:

Coworker: "I went out clubbing last night" Me: "Nice one, I played some games, CRIED IN BED, watched some YouTube then slept:

Coworker:" You seen they're cutting the hours down" Me: "God sake, I'm actually GONNA KILL MYSELF NOW, this is mad."

However, I've bees doing these crys for help in the hope they'll ask even though I have no inetnion of opening up as I find it hard. I just want to feel for a second that someone cares about me before moving on as if it didn't happen only do do it later again. I don't want to open up, and I've been crying for help in my jokes knowing I won't respond much if someone does try to check on me, I just want to feel like they care at all.

Edit: I just realised after posting this that I did the exact thing I wrote about here by posting this, at least I can spot it now but really wasn't intending for it.